Who said “local alcoholics” need clearing from the bench outside Hoylake Library?

We’ve all read it.

The original, pretty outrageous and insulting planning application to convert the former library on Market Street into a gym.

Oh, and to remove the existing trees in front of the building (still owned by council taxpayers, btw – a small factor the council always, always forgets when forgetting about handing over our assets while putting council tax up).

Oh, and the “local alcoholics” who seemingly regularly use the bench betwixt the trees to bark at cars and chase after imaginary friends while whooping about rainwater, or something – although not to be confused with any local Green Party candidates, however tempting.

It wasn’t so long ago that the Hoylake community saved this library from savage Labour cuts.

But it wasn’t for long because they came back with the scythe anyway – while ironically refusing any actual physical cuts to the revolting, unsightly and massively unwanted swamp metastasizing on our immediate coastline.

Naturally, they bleated, this was nothing, in no way whatsoever at all, to do with Wirral Labour being in charge for decades of one of the worst-run boroughs in the entire country. It was all about the “Toreeez”.

But back to the library application to convert it into a gym.

Try to bear in mind these applications to the council are written by people assumed by the council to be professionals – a situation one might suggest is also known in the real world as Einstein’s alleged theory on insanity.

The application itself was placed by Peter and Jennifer “Jenny” Hackett on behalf, one presumes, of their budding gym business, Nomad.

And fair play to them for that. New business is always good. So no complaints there.

But here (click) is that official application on their behalf – the boozers or losers application, if you will – written either by Peter Barton or on his behalf.

Mr Barton advertises himself as an independent planning consultant, who is based just off Argyle Street in Birkenhead, which is not a zillion, million, thousand or even a hundred miles away from the council’s planning department.

He wrote, or approved the writing of, initially on trees: “Their removal is not necessary to allow the change of use to take place but the popularity of the bench with local alcoholics is not a good fit with the applicants’ business model (my italics).

“This is a matter that could be pursued outside the planning application process.”

Residents, many of whom are elderly and enjoy a rest on that very bench while walking between Market Street and Birkenhead Road, were naturally outraged.

When the brown stuff naturally and instantly hurtled into the fan, splattering everywhere, we saw the full force and brilliance of the usual local PR experts – aka berks – thinking they could contain this “crisis” through their expert “management”.

What followed was an explanation from “Jenny” and an apology of sorts:

We just wanted to take the time to first apologise for any confusion this planning application has caused and to reassure everyone that the trees were never to be moved from this site.

“The planning application was written by a third party professional and the wording of this application regarding the bench is not at our request.

“This goes against everything we endeavour to deliver and believe in at Nomad and we want to clarify that it wasn’t written by us.

“The concept of Nomad is built on connection and we want to create a facility where everyone can connect with each other as well as their own mind, body and soul.

“We really are trying to create a harmonic place that will help the community with their physical and mental wellbeing.

“The trees outside the site are a beautiful fixture to both the high street and wider area and we have no intention to remove them.

“In regards to the bench, our plan is to restore it and give it some TLC. We hope to eventually add more seating to the area if it’s allowed and possible.

“Once again, we apologise for any offence caused and would hope that moving forward, you can all see the good things we want to deliver to the community.

“Nomad has been created by a local person wanting to bring positivity to the community so that we can build something special together, whilst helping the Hoylake high street flourish.”

While still happy to give Nomad the slightest of benefits, it’s worth looking at some of the other people that Mr Barton’s planning application expertise has been praised by.

Such as Mark Howard – hero of The Wrecked Beach, The Non-Cinema, The Massive Ugly Building.

Yes, him.

Meanwhile, the Hoylake alcoholics continue to snub the library bench mainly because they never drank there in the first place.

They were all too busy dribbling over the Guardian in the front room of Wetherspoons.

Say Hello (To Taxpayer Money), Wave(s) Goodbye (To Pretending You Know What You’re Doing)

Enjoying the weather?

Chances are, probably not, as Storm Kathleen is having a whale of a time bashing up our western coastline today.

It’s been the first test for Wirral’s great impenetrable sea defence at West Kirby that came in not for a snip – this is Wirral Council we’re talking about – but massively over budget at £19 million of taxpayers’ money.

Now, obfuscating about the source of finances for this project or that project is a tedious game all political entities indulge in, presumably thinking the little people don’t understand all this high-brow stuff.

In this case the council will say the £19m didn’t come out of their budget, which is true. But the money definitely came out of our taxpayer pockets, which is also true.

But other people’s money either way, right?

The Great Wall found its way to construction via the usual labyrinthine route only a local council can fashion:

1. Cook up a mad idea to spend other people’s money that you know voters will hate.
2. Hold consultation. Discover voters do indeed hate it. Decide to do it anyway.
3. Find oddities on the fringe of general society to be the local fall guys when it all goes belly up and throw them a stick.
4. Seek out a quango to hide behind when the results typically aren’t what you had hoped for – despite ignoring deafening advice from others.
5. Apply for public cash.
6. Receive public cash.
7. Waste public cash.

Any heathens who dared to question the veracity of this scheme were given a block response from the council which looked (and looks – until about 9am tomorrow, when no doubt it’ll disappear) like this:

So there you have it. All safe. All smashing.

Right up until this morning when the wall got its first actual stress test….

Which is when we got this instead (if you don’t use Facebook, ask someone who can in order to see the video).

Which itself resulted in this complete and utter idiocy:

Then:

1. Scoff at those pointing out the wall is a £19 million chocolate teapot.
2. Furiously stamp up and down insisting the wall has done its job while literally everyone else takes on the little boy role to point out the emperor is wearing no clothes.
3. Thunderously declare that black is white:

Yes, that’s Green Party councillor Pat Cleary claiming, with what seems to be a straight face, that the wall isn’t really there to stop water, just to make the waves a bit less, erm, tidally. King Canute need not worry just yet.

Although Cllr Pat seemed not to notice that the ferocity of the water – you know, the force of it, Cllr Pat – meant staff working at Tanskey’s on WK promenade had to be rescued by lifeboat crew (brilliant as ever).

Meanwhile, Storm Kathleen will cause havoc for the next couple of days before eventually blowing itself out.

As is now tradition, the next named storm will have as usual a female name beginning with L, the next letter in the alphabet.

Odds on Storm Liz, anyone?

PS. Someone else not enjoying the weather will be the Echo, and the idiots quoted in this at only 11.39am this morning…..

You really couldn’t make it up.

In Memoriam

So. Farewell

Then, Bargain Booze.

You were red and white,

Stocked with shite,

For those with nothing to lose.

You were our own little ice box

From Siberia,

Where even the Arctic feared to tread.

Where every customer who entered,

Contributed to their one day being dead.

No more Pickled Onion

Space Invaders,

For just 10p a pack.

They’ve finally run right out of them,

And there’s still “nothing in the back”.

The random crisps

Will shatter no more

Inside your flimsy plastic “bags”.

And no more meter top ups

For those pesky poor old hags.

Now we mourn your passing,

Like the setting of the sun.

But not as much as

A tab ’til end of the month,

And a cheery “You okay, hun?”

Because now you’re just an Evri,

Parcels inside a room.

An Aladdin’s cave

If you like

For people desperate to lift the gloom.

We’ll miss

That annoying buzzer,

And the icicles dripping from our nose.

But this is Hoylake after all,

And this is how it goes.

At least there’s still

The furniture restorers,

Just across the street.

Even if the pigeons

Don’t exactly keep it neat.

There’s always

The closed chippy one way,

Or the shuttered takeaway next door.

But don’t dare ask about the cinema

As they’ll brand you a repetitive bore.

So now we can’t have a beach

Or even watch a film.

No slap-up, sit-down feasts in

A dining experience bar none,

With no answers to those questions t’whether it’s all really just a con.

But if you wouldn’t all mind shutting up

As you’ll find HVL are on to a winner.

Not for them those buckets and spades

Or family time,

Or even a fancy sit down dinner.

The usual suspects will carry on,

Though only if we let ’em.

“Close it all down and shut it off, keep Hoylake for the righteous:

“The Mad, the T-shirts, the Swampies,

“The oh-so-perfectly pious.”

• With apologies to ER Thribb.

The Swamp Is By No Means “Natural”

By Leigh Marles

New sand dunes don’t just happen in England, or in particular Hoylake.

They’re made by bloody hard work and great attention to detail…

Wearing PVC kecks and a studded leather biker jacket, I turned up for my first day at work building sand dunes at Red Rocks in Hoylake.

It was 1981, and I was in a punk band, signing on the social as almost everyone in a Liverpool punk band was back then.

Without Maggie’s DHSS there would have been far fewer groups around in the early 80s.

But anyway, I was a young guitarist and knew nothing about building sand dunes. 

However some clever people apparently did.

So the dole had had enough of me signing on and playing in a band, although we literally made no money out of it whatsoever, and they set me to work.

My first day on the dunes job and I was sent with a couple of other guys over to Formby in a ten ton truck to load it fully with spartina and marram grass from Formby dunes.

We picked out the grass, stuffed it in the ten tonner and filled it to the brim, so much spartina, masses of it.

We did this every day, month after month, collecting, planting, then off back to Formby for another ten tons’ worth.

It was damned hard work, the grasses would cut through your gloves as your heaved them out of the sand, and you’d always end up bleeding after every shift.

Then we’d drive back to our Pinfold Lane base, off Meols Drive, and started planting it all in the specially prepared seeding areas.

These were vast, sectioned stretches from Red Rocks to West Kirby with fences made out of trimmed wooden posts and wires threaded between.

The wires were then filled with brushwood we collected from Delamere Forest and were needed to protect the growth of the grasses, which in turn allowed the sand to gather and form into dunes

Getting the brushwood was another massive mission, picking and loading ton after ton of branches from Delamere then driving them back to Hoylake, threading them in the wire fences and then off for another load to be worked on the next day.

I left thank god before the project was complete but I can see today it worked.

The brushwood fences are long gone, the spartina grass is now a miasma of all sorts of greenery.

The point I am trying to make is that new sand dunes do not appear by magic no matter how hard you wish.

If you want dunes, for good or ill, they require careful planning, proper management, substantial financial investment, and – most of all – year upon year of really backbreaking hard work, not just putting on a stupid hat and posting glib nonsense on the internet.

Fawkes It

The bad news is that, despite all the evident increases in technology and online research capabilities, despite Attenborough researchers finding a way of filming inch-long translucent jellyfish miles below the sea surface, and despite even Elon Musk (possibly) waking up for the traditional 5am middle-aged gentleman’s visit to the bathroom in between sending rockets into space, there still doesn’t seem to be an available image of a real bulldog licking the proverbial wee off a nettle.

The good news, though, is that we don’t need one, thank goodness.

Instead, we can satisfy ourselves with the thought of the self-styled Hoylake saviour that nobody ever asked for, wandering around Melrose Hall today quietly snarling at people supporting the return of the beach from the absolute stinking and visually appalling swamp he’s helped and encouraged to create.

The sign above, on the advertising hoarding board on Melrose Avenue opposite The Ship, has proved troublesome for Our Jools.

He doesn’t think people should be encouraged to disagree with him, you see.

But this notice was probably a bit too high to destroy, so it stayed up.

Not that it needed it, but the attendance today proved what Julian Priest and his equally fantastically unpopular “sorry if we missed you” mob (it was on every leaflet they swiftly shoved through letterboxes before the local elections earlier this year where they nevertheless drastically failed) simply cannot seem to fathom, a bit like those kids at school, the ones who smelled of malted milk biscuits, when asked to contemplate the idea of shoelaces:

We. Want. Our. Beach. Back.

Not your sand-yachting beach, Our Jools.

All of it.

Today’s lesson for you, OJ Simpleton, was staring reality in the face.

Real people who really disagree with you – and, also, wonder, quite fairly, when did you get put in charge? Who voted for you? Who on earth are you?

Another lesson, also, should be whenever you gaze at that monostrity you helped (with Our Mark Howard) to create at the top (or now bottom, thanks to you guys) of Market Street that now taints the vista of the entire village.

All of these people are now running as fast as they can in their too-small T-shirts and hideous Hawaiian shorts seemingly somehow pretending that the swamp and the Lubyanka are nothing whatsoever to do with them.

But there’s still a swamp.

And there’s still no cinema, no fine arts village, no five star restaurant.

So, thank you to Hoylake Sailing Club and all involved on both creation and clear-up for a magnificent bonfire display on Friday evening (criticised, as ever, by the usual suspects, for “endangering sand” or whatever, and thankfully ignored).

And thank you to the Hoylake Beach Community for today’s undoubtedly successful event.

But the real fireworks should start now with simple answers to simple questions.

When we attended the original launch of the utterly ludicrous beach plan, ironically at the disused building site once known as the town hall before this lot got their hands on it, we were told – instructed – that the event was a “safe space” where dissent was not allowed.

Well, Our Jools, that was many years ago. And the gloves are now off.

So:

Where’s the cinema, Julian?

Where’s the high-dining restaurant, Julian?

Where’s the arts’ village, Julian?

And why did hardly anyone vote for you, Julian?

And, most importantly, after wrecking things most people actually from Wirral hold dear, why on earth are you still even here?

PS. Can’t wait for their, um, PR “wordsmith” to come back at this.

Wirral West MP to stand down at next general election, but will anyone notice?

Margaret Greenwood has signalled her intent to stand down as the Member of Parliament for Wirral West at the next general election, widely expected to be held next year at the latest.

By then she will have been the constituency’s representative for nine years, after first taking her place on Westminster’s green benches after winning the seat from the Conservative incumbent Esther McVey in 2015.

We’re not entirely sure why Ms Greenwood ever really wanted to represent the area, though, as she doesn’t seem to care for it very much.

She supports the swamp, which is now spreading outwards to both West Kirby and Meols, with cunning plans to eventually not-so-stealthily also ruin the beaches of Leasowe, Moreton, Harrison Drive, New Brighton and Egremont, too, all in the name of dodgy ideology.

Even so, a near decade in the corridors of power is something only a rarefied few get to experience, so here’s a list of Ms Greenwood’s greatest achievements as our local MP:

1. Getting voted in.
2. Deciding to quit.
3. Er, that’s it.

Plaque Attack

It’s not exactly news, but what a palpably miserable lot the tiny group of swampies really are.

Last weekend, someone, for a laugh, put up a plaque on an otherwise empty bench on Hoylake promenade, lamenting the loss of the legendary sands thanks to barely a handful of obsessives.

We blogged it, not because we had anything to do with it, and nor did the (massive majority) pro-sands group, Hoylake Beach Community, but because it made us smile.

It reminded us that, beneath that entirely invented veneer of We Love Weeds, where butted-in-for bagels and the occasional if inexplicable caretaker job rule, that real people are still there.

As they always have been, and always will.

The shrieking swampies, resplendent in their organic dog-wee sodden nettle underpants (okay, I made the underpants bit up – but still, eh?) slammed the light-hearted joke as “vandalism”.

Two screws into the timber of a bench that every single council taxpayer on Wirral has already paid for.

A bench that was emphatically not a memorial bench, as the faux weeping cretins are now trying to insist. (It’d been clear for at least three months, so there was none of the so-called desecration the walking dead will insist upon until their cis-balls finally drop.)

And on a bench staring stoically out at the worst act of vandalism that has ever happened in Hoylake – right there, festering, just a few stinking feet away: Their swamp.

But the swampies – Stig, T-shirt, The Other One – couldn’t see the irony in complaining about the plaque, which I’m reliably told was cheap and easy to buy off that pesky internet thing.

They just wanted to shout about something.

What else can we say, but well done – as now everyone, everywhere, can see you for what you are.

Humourless. Fact-free. Cancel-culture censors.

And really – do all three or four of you get together to decide on this because it now seems a theme? – bad dressers.

Exclusive*: Court case over 2019 fire on Hilbre Island

Steve Williams/Wirral Weather

An interesting case appeared on the official list of hearings scheduled to take place last Thursday – August 19, 2021 – at the courts complex in Derby Square, Liverpool.

It follows what happened on Hilbre Island in summer 2019, when fire broke out during the period that maintenance works were taking place at a damaged cavern in a cliffside at the popular beauty spot, as it was feared the roof could collapse placing people at risk.

The case – alleging “an unlicensed marine activity” – involves Wirral Council and a contractor, North West Construction U.K. Limited. The court listing was as follows:

Magistrates court listings

If you can’t quite read that, the docket states that “Between 23rd July 2019 and 24 August 2019 in the UK Marine Licensing Area, you did cause North West Construction U.K. Limited (company number 02060487) to carry on a licensable marine activity, namely the undertaking of structural repairs to a cavern on Hilbre Island including the construction of a wall across the front of the cavern and infilling the cavern with blocks of foam material filled inbetween with polyurethane, other than in Contrary to sections 65(1) and 85(1) and (4) of the Marine and Coastal Access Act 2009.“

Section 65 of the Marine and Coastal Access Act and its relevant (1) subsection can be read here.

And section 85 of the Act and the aforementioned (1) and (4) subsections can be found here.

At the time of the incident, (link) the council apologised for the “environmental disaster”.

You can see photos and video of that “environmental disaster” (link) here:

With the court case, it now looks like – after two years – someone, somewhere, is going to be both admonished and fined.

Who though? And how much?

Well, the case was adjourned until October 14 so we won’t know before then.

It is however worth mentioning that Wirral Council is already under a form of special measures for lack of efficiency, and its finances are also already in bad shape.

On top of that, (link) it’s just had to fork out slightly under £500,000 in a no-admittance deal with its own chosen developers of the now scrapped Hoylake Golf Resort, a scheme that the council itself first proposed, then chose a developer, then assured said developer of a multi-million pounds loan to proceed – only for the council to then in the end pull out of the whole arrangement.

The Marine and Coastal Access Act 2009 is governed by the (link) Marine Management Organisation, a non-departmental UK government body.

When the Act it effectively polices was introduced originally, the maximum level of fines it could demand appears to have been £50,000.

Alas for any party found to be guilty of breaking the law, that is not the case anymore. (See Section 43 subsection 1 (link) here.)

Now, any fine dished out would appear to be up to whoever is the adjudicator in the case.

Or as it says itself in the docket above, in capital letters:

“UNLIMITED“.

• Now I’ve done the work for them, let’s see how quickly the Echo nicks it.

The brazen brass necks of Brighton Street

Most people might think there is enough stupidity in the world without adding to it. But apparently that’s not universal, and certainly not if you happened to be operating Wirral Council’s social media today.

This morning, whoever-it-is – but we’ll call them “Wirral Council”, as that is whose name under which it was posted on our cursed local authority’s official page – raced to Facebook to remind everyone how utterly brilliant they are at everything they touch.

Presumably they did this to divert us away from remembering, daily, how utterly useless they are at the things they don’t touch – like potholes, bins, replying to emails, responding to petitions, keeping special needs kids’ schools open, the very idea of listening to voters, and, of course, the swamp they have encouraged a little bunch of cagoule enthusiasts to chant and pray and sing a kneeling version of Kum-Ba-Yah before, to enable grotesque, alien weeds to flourish on what used to be Hoylake Beach, potentially ruining the feeding grounds of the very migrating birds they claim to champion.

As ever in Brighton Street, sense was firmly left where it is so often left – in the free employee car parks that seem to surround the place.

To boot: Wirral Council’s publicly-funded marketing machine – in other words, yes, the one paid for by your council tax – posted what we think you’ll agree was this absolute corker this morning:

You’ll notice in the ever important hashtags used in the image above that the word “respect” is used – and in bold, no less. Because that emphasis is not just vitally important, but because it demonstrates how #down #with #da #kids #dey #dead #r, too.

Alas, however, there was a problem.

And that problem was the small matter of the post being literally, completely, untrue.

Not a single member of the council’s otherwise excellent parks team has been working anywhere on the sensory garden in the Parade Gardens on Hoylake and Meols promenade, which for those from beyond the locale are just a few yards up from the lifeboat station.

Instead, and as is usual, the work in its entirety was provided by the consistently superb voluntary group, Friends of Hoylake and Meols in Bloom, who not only keep our villages’ flowerbeds and planters radiating with colour, in their own time and of their own volition, but also tend to the beds in Queens Park and, of course, Parade Gardens, too.

All hardware and plants paid for by donations, and all the work carried out by volunteers, with not so much as a scowl from someone grumpy in the council’s grants department, which is of course apparently under strict instruction to only ever spend money in Birkenhead yet again.

It took nanoseconds for the first of what would eventually amount – at the time of writing – to over 330 replies, 99% of which were furious that such a wonderful voluntary endeavour carried out with love, community spirit, and dogged determination, had been casually touted around on social media as something that was all Wirral Council’s work.

When not a single bit of it was.

One of the many to object was a representative of the Friends of Hoylake and Meols in Bloom group themselves (to whom you can learn more about, and DONATE to, here).

They responded:

Scores and scores and yet more scores more piled on, too. The general theme being: “How dare you?”

Then, over on the deadly world of Twitter, a place where you would think she might fear to tread, up popped the Labour leader of the council, Janette Williamson, to not quite apologise, but to seek a “clarification and correction” from the town hall marketing team.

But without any apology forthcoming, the debate – such as it was – raged away, and suddenly became even more interesting with the interjection of a certain Elaine Foulkes.

After a concerned contributor castigated our “lazy council”, Our Elaine replied:

“My husband” being one Steve Foulkes, the long-time Labour councillor for Claughton, a former mayor of the borough in 2014, and to those that have a smidgen of interest in the machinations of Brighton Street, the former long-term leader of the council itself.

Now, a few people – yours truly included – not unreasonably conflated the idea of Wirral Council taking boastful credit for something it had clearly not done – ie, the Parade Gardens sensory garden – with the way it stubbornly refuses to take any responsibility for what it has also not done, which is to care for the beach that remains in its current state a disgrace, an eyesore, a health risk, and inhospitable to anyone other than pole vaulters who can beat the stench-filled swamp.

But Our Elaine refused to back down. The whole problem, she insisted, was the fault of the Tories.

Below is a brief exchange between the Friends of Hoylake and Meols in Bloom group (and please do donate to them to aid their ongoing fine work), and Our Elaine:

This was an interesting reply, as no matter if you would prefer to see the Prime Minister’s head on a stick outside No 10, rather than heralding an election victory so humiliating for the official opposition that it is still forlornly licking its weeping wounds some 18 or so months later, it was – like Wirral Council’s initial boasting of how amazing it was at providing this sensory garden for kids with special needs – massively off the mark, and totally wrong.

Because at the local elections in May, voters locally had a choice between the two main parties: A Conservative Party candidate who backed the huge majority of residents who not unreasonably want the beach returned to its former glory, and a Labour candidate (with universal backing from town hall comrades) who did not.

And that’s why the Labour candidate lost. It really was that simple.

But Our Elaine hadn’t finished. Querying our approach was “aggressive”, yours truly replied that the word she was looking for should have been “astonished” – which also helpfully begins with an “a”.

(A sudden attack of being uncharacteristically gallant also descended, preventing me from sending her a “people in glass houses” reply.)

Then, late this afternoon, working at the same speed that has seen Shanghai of the North appear in the amazing multi-billion Wirral Waters development in Birkenhead (nope, nor us), whoever-it-is in the council’s social media operation crawled sloth-like back into the fray, with this:

Note that they’re still referring to “our” volunteers, when the Friends group is not anything of the sort. They’re a proudly independent-of-council voluntary group with one mission of making our villages look fabulous, a feat they achieve in spite of the council’s seeming indifference to local residents.

Brazen, brass necked, block headed – you decide.

In the meantime, the Parade Gardens, and its sensory garden, look magnificent. As do our planters and flowerbeds.

And all that work and effort thanks to the voluntary team, and absolutely zip from the burghers of Brighton Street.

• For further reading on how Wirral Council treats sensory gardens for special needs kids paid for by other people, read here.

The swampies keep trying to tell the rest of us that it’s not a swamp. So what do they call this mess, then? A beach?

Photography by a local resident, captured on Wednesday, May 5, 2021.

For the vast majority of people in Hoylake and Meols, this is heartbreaking and depressing.

Meanwhile, today, polling day (!), the council has miraculously found time and resources to send contractors to clear sand from the pavements around the polling station at the community centre on the prom.

And the quad-bike weedkiller sprayers have been out and about tackling Hoylake and Meols pavements, too.

What a coincidence that it should happen today when people are casting their votes…

Being Frank: A doctor writes again…

By Dr Frank McArdle

Just an update on the email stream I previously described…. that there is no update.

It would appear that the good councillor concerned is either far too busy to reply to the electorate, is finding it difficult to produce answers to the points raised, has no answers to the points raised, or is just ignoring things, hoping they will go away.

Well, if no answers are forthcoming, the only conclusion that can reasonably be drawn, is that all of the points raised in the previous emails are plausible, can not be answered, and exposes an intrinsic naivety, and huge flaws in the validity of the process that has been embarked upon regarding the immediate past, present and long term future of Hoylake beach.

However, prejudgement of Councillor Grey and her response (or lack of it) would be unfair, so I will prompt her again for a speedy reply.

The whole saga regarding Hoylake beach does however raise a number of more general (political but not party political) points that should be thought about by the people of Wirral, if not addressed by the council:

Question: Is the council leaving football pitches, rugby pitches, cricket pitches, bowling greens and golf courses to naturally develop and re-green into flower filled meadows?

Answer: No.

Reason: These are amenity spaces, used by large numbers of the public, and have proven mental and physical health benefits.

Question: Is the council going to plaster Wallasey and Birkenhead town halls and other historic Wirral buildings with solar panels?

Answer: No.

Reason: That would ruin the look and intrinsic beauty of these historic monuments.

Also, what is more perplexing, is that most if not all of the independent organisations involved with the council on this matter accept the relevance and importance of an amenity beach at Hoylake, and suggest that this should be included in any future management agreement, whilst the council, under Councillor Grey’s advice, seems to be totally opposed to any such proposal.

So why is this council hell bent on the destruction of Hoylake amenity beach, with it’s obvious benefits to many people’s physical and mental health, and all of its intrinsic and historic beauty?

Perhaps this might have something to do with the ruling group in the council only re-greening spaces, and pursuing their green vision, if their actions do not offend the voting base in their presumed solid and marginal seats, whilst ploughing on in wards that would never fall to their political persuasion.

It is also entirely plausible that any long-standing council ruling group might lose sight of their primary responsibility to the people they represent, irrespective of political persuasion, and be more concerned with the continuation of their hold on power for its own sake, with all that entails.

It has also been stated that these council decisions are the result of a democratic process.

This has to be brought into question when voting patterns in the council seem to demonstrate the use of a permanent, if not always official, three line whip, with members being told how to vote, without reference to their own conscience.

This kind of partisan self-serving politics should have no place in local government, where elected representatives should act in the interests of the whole electorate, and this sort of archaic political entrenchment has no place in the twenty first century.

Finally, the more that is seen of the council’s behaviour in the whole Hoylake beach issue, the more it appears to be little more than a punitive cost cutting exercise, hidden under a thin veil of green environmental concern.

Mother of God! When council leader Our Jan pressed “send” and then wished she hadn’t (again!)

For the benefit of the DIR, present in this interview room are myself, DI Steve Can’tnot, along with my colleague, DS Our Painkillers, and subjects Our Jesus, Our Mary, and Our Joseph, and what appears to be some kind of ass.

So, let’s get down to it, then, shall we, Braying Beast of Burden?

“No comment.”

Well, I haven’t asked you anything yet…

“No comment.”

But…

“No comment.”

It’s about the beach…

“No comment.”

And, y’know, the swamp and suchlike…

“No comment.”

Well, the thing is, no one likes it…

“No comment.”

And almost everyone agrees it looks dreadful…

“No comment.”

And only about ten people seem to agree with you…

“No comment.”

Some of the same people inextricably linked with considerable sums of public funds that…

“No comment.”

I can see you’re uncomfortable speaking like this, face to face…

“No comment.”

Would it be easier if I just emailed instead…

“No comment.”

For the benefit of the DIR, WD40, EE, and ROFL, we’re moving this interview online…

(Pause)

For the benefit of the internet, we’re showing your reply to an email that you sent at precisely 13.19 on Saturday, May 1, 2021.

Do you agree it says what it says, for the love of Gawd? Viz:

 “No comment.”

What did yer mean by “deal with her”, missy?

“No comment.”

Did you accidentally send this to entirely the wrong person and now fervently wish you hadn’t?

“No comment.”

Did you get a bit of a back and neck sweat when you realised what you’d done and desperately hoped no one would notice?

“No comment.”

Did you fear this would be made public and you might look a bit daft again?

“No comment.”

At least try to explain this sort-of reply you sent, for the benefit of Our Jesus, Our Mary, Our Joseph, and Our Internet….

“The email to [Our] Liz which you were cc’d into was simply pointing out there are no new issues and that our officers can deal with this and any subsequent enquiries from this point.

“You have been given an explanation of events by Cllr Grey and nothing has changed. I am asking her to keep her responses to a minimum as I believe the correspondence is becoming circular and time consuming. This does not show disdain for anyone.

“I acceot (sic) you are disappointed with the decision around Hoylake beach but it has been made and scrutinised with no change. Democracy is not always about things going our way, it is about a process. To remind people of this is not disrespectful and I am sorry that you see it that way.

“I have expressed my views on this now and will not engage in any further email exchanges.

“Kind regards

“[Our] Janette.”

“No comment.”

Have you ever sent anything via the miracle of the internet that you have ever regretted?

“No comment.”

Is there indeed any point at all in anyone trying to engage with you about matters that concern them?

“No comment.”

Any more comments to add?

“No comment.”

Should we vote for you?

“Yes. Up the shirkers.”

Mystery of the middle-of-the-night meddler

Keep an eye out on your security cameras, as you never know what they’ll pick up…

People local to Hoylake, Meols and West Kirby will be familiar with the many warnings and “stay alert” messages shared on Wirral’s many gossip/crime/community groups and pages over the last few months.

They’ve mainly featured individuals dressed in dark clothing acting somewhat strangely in the early hours.

Last night there was another nighttime disturbance of sorts – and like so many others, it was caught on security camera.

We’re not entirely sure what this individual was up to, hanging around on the main road near the entrance to Queens Park at 2.10am, but they appeared to be trying to meddle with and remove things near the park in the dead of night.

Maybe they just couldn’t sleep?

A research scientist of many years writes to Our Liz:

Dear Councillor Grey,

As a long standing resident of Hoylake I feel compelled to raise my concerns with regard to your council’s future Hoylake beach management plan (or lack of one).

I feel that you, as the council representative and apparent spokesperson, are employing a whole series of “smoke and mirrors” to hoodwink the electorate into believing that the mismanagement of Hoylake beach may not be permanent and will be reviewed in 2023.

I put it to you that you have no intention of reversing the policy of none management, and are trying to confuse the public by talk of surveys and consultations.

To clear up this matter l request that you answer the following questions: Who will collate and analyse all of data (both beach surveys, population surveys, and socioeconomic surveys) generated in the proposed studies and make the final decisions on the future of Hoylake beach in 2023?

Also what weight will be given to each type of survey in the final decision, for example, if a beach flora study and a socioeconomic study generate the same “points”, which study would be given more weight etc?

What are the trigger results in each or all of the surveys that will result in the final decision on Hoylake beach?

That is to say, what results will mean continued mismanagement, and what results would indicate a return to beach management (including raking and sand levelling)?

Not having any of these endpoints already set out would expose the naivety of those responsible, leaving them open to the accusation of manipulating their endpoints to fit the survey results in order to get what they want.

The council, in the spirit of transparency, should make those endpoints clear now, and stick to them in the future.

I am afraid that the more I see of the conduct of the council in this matter, the more I am forced to believe that this is the imposition of somebody’s personal rose tinted green vision on a reluctant electorate, with no thought or regard for impact in the real local world, and any collateral damage caused.

One might also be inclined to think that this is a cynical manipulation of well meaning green thinkers in the community, in order for the council to try to massage their theoretical carbon capture figures in order to reach future carbon neutrality.

On a personal note (being a research scientist of many years), this is clearly an experiment and not just a set of surveys.

You are making the hypothesis that the beach would be better unraked, so taking the managed beach, making an intervention (cessation of beach management), and observing the temporal effect of this intervention, generating results, and coming to conclusions.

As the old adage says “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck”.

However this is where your scientific prowess falls short. In any scientific experiment (which this clearly is) a series of controls are necessary in order to make sense of any data generated.

For example your observations may well be influenced not by management cessation, but by unseasonal weather patterns, tidal flow changes, pollution, or by an array of other unforeseen human or natural factors.

These are important and urgent points, and I look forward to your speedy response to the general matters raised, and a full and transparent response to all of the specific questions asked, and not a regurgitation of ‘these questions have been answered already’ kind of response.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr. Frank McArdle

After finally receiving a reply of sorts (see below), Dr Frank then sent this follow-up email…

Dear councillor Grey,

Thank you for your recent response to my queries regarding the mismanagement of Hoylake beach.

Unfortunately, I feel that the upcoming public engagement and consultations (dates, places, and formats as yet unspecified) you suggest may not be the correct forums to gain meaningful and timely answers to the questions raised in my previous email (sent 14/4/21).

These are simple questions which should not take up much of your time.

With this in mind l request that you supply me (a member of the electorate, to which I believe you are answerable to) with answers to these questions as soon as is possible.

Also, could you please explain to me the functions of the engagement and consultation processes.

Are they just for dissemination and explanation of council policy, or will they be used to take public wishes on board, and allow the public to shape future council policy with regard to Hoylake beach management?

It would also be helpful to all concerned if you could make public the dates of the upcoming public engagement and consultations you refer to, with locations and formats.

I hope you realise that continued ducking and weaving of legitimate questions posed by the electorate will only serve to alienate your Labour group, even more, from the people you are elected to serve.

I keenly await your prompt reply,

Dr. Frank McArdle

And Our Liz’s reply?

Oh, well, then. That’s cleared that up…

Love Hoylake supporter writes to Natural England

This is a copy of an email one of the Love Hoylake – Save Hoylake Beach supporters has written to Natural England, the body that the Swampies worship like Thor.

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to complain about the approach being taken at Hoylake Beach, Wirral and in particular;

• The lack of ‘local community’ involvement and non-conformance to the process outlined within your own values and customer promise
• The existing changes you have already authorised to the beach, due to be in place until at least 2023, without any appropriate ‘planning’ or prior dialogue with residents living adjacent to the ‘beach’ boundary
• The footprint strategy and rationale you have used to select this specific coastal location selected for your collaborative project with Liz Grey

Your ‘values’ and ‘customer promise’ clearly outline the need to involve the ‘local community’ prior to any change project or development is implemented. The original beach management agreement has already ceased and your only noted engagement has been with Liz Grey and her Labour colleagues. The ‘local community’ as defined by the Hoylake and Meols ward boundary is represented by Conservative Councillors. The Conservative Councillors and local residents have not been properly directly engaged.

This is exacerbated, as it’s my understanding people living adjacent to a development or change boundary have the right to be involved in any ‘planning’ discussions before change is implemented. This is not the case at Hoylake Beach as the beach ‘project’ has already been initiated. This is a similar well-established process used for any local change plan or development, for example when the council allow a new Lidl store or a new residential development.    

Whilst I’m absolutely sure most local people are not averse to sound environmental, biodiverse and sustainable projects in general. The coastline boundary surrounding the Wirral is vast with most areas already overtaken by nature, left inaccessible or completely unkempt including, Parkgate, Heswall, Birkenhead and Bromborough amongst others. However, the one area of beach set aside for ‘communal use’ and directly parallel to an adjacent residential strip has been selected for this project, again without prior consultation. Not only that but the full length of this residential strip has been taken over. There is already an existing grassy area set aside directly adjacent to the RNLI station. Whilst other, Labour-ward, coastal areas appear to be earmarked for commercial development by the council. Hypocrisy at best.

The unintended consequences of these actions are already being felt locally with thousands of petition signatures already mobilised.

I look forward to your reply on these points and your next steps.

Hoylake mum of three blocked on Twitter by Our Liz for pointing out how awful the beach has become

A local, beachfront mum writes:

Six days ago, I was reading up on the beach situation and became annoyed after reading some of Liz Grey’s tweets about how it was a win for nature that the beach was to be left alone.

She’d tagged in various celebrities who stand up for the environment and quite frankly, I was cross.

As a resident who lives very close to the beach (yes, I’m one of those who can afford to live by the beach, don’t get me started on that) I see the beach in all its glory, and all its mess on a daily basis.

I decided to respond to Liz’s tweets with a photograph of my son, playing next to a stream of revolting gloop that runs directly into Liz’s beloved grass.

I posted the picture from my son’s account (managed by me before anyone says kids aren’t allowed on Twitter) stating:

“Here’s a picture of me, local child, trying to play safely on the beach you’re ‘rewilding’. This isn’t rewilding, this is neglect.”

I then tagged in Natural England, as well as the celebs she’d tagged. My kids and me liked the post.

Didn’t think any more of it, didn’t get a response.

A week later I thought I’d check up on the tweet only to find that Liz had blocked my son’s account, as well as mine and my 2 daughters’ accounts… just to make really certain I wouldn’t be able to express my opinion any further.

I believe anyone who commented was also blocked. 

Our True Democratic Liz in action!

Remember that letter from Sir David Attenborough “seemingly” backing Our Liz over the beach? No one should be surprised to learn there’s quite a bit more to it…

Compare and contrast these two separate letters from the pen of the institution and national treasure that is Sir David Attenborough.

The first (please click here to take you to our earlier blogpost) – which Our Liz “seemingly” (copyright – the thing that used to be a newspaper, once, the Liverpool Echo) saw as complete validation of her plan for wrecked sands – doesn’t, when you read all dozen or so words of it, say very much at all.

Then we have this, second letter, received in response to a letter from Love Hoylake member Keith Randles, which arrived a couple of days ago, after he wrote to Sir David for further advice.

EDIT: The most interesting line in this missive from the great man, is: “I cannot offer any useful comment on the problem you describe since I have never visited the area.”

Has Our Liz used Sir David’s reputation to spectacularly over-egg her own swamp pudding?

You decide.

The human element #2: Local author Gina Kirkham speaks up for Hoylake’s once golden sands, explaining: “Not everyone can afford to live by the beach, but everyone should be allowed a chance to use and enjoy it.”

By GINA KIRKHAM

“WE ALL CAN’T AFFORD TO LIVE ON HOYLAKE PROMENADE”  – CLLR LIZ GREY

Do you know how I can afford to live in Hoylake and Meols, right by the beach, Cllr Grey?  

It is not because I am privileged through birthright, not because I am wealthy, and not because I have won the lottery.

I can afford to live here through my own sheer hard work; a working life that began at the age of thirteen, buying my house at the right time, and having the ability to save.

If that hard work and the benefits reaped from it makes me privileged in the eyes of Cllr Grey, then I will add that to my list of achievements.  So before she tries to sneeringly denigrate local residents for being able to achieve a nice place to live and insinuate that they are too stupid to understand environmental issues, and it is not their place to ask for something as simple as a return to the usable amenity they have always enjoyed; maybe she should have allowed them a proper voice, allowed them to be counted, allowed them to have a choice about where they live? She should have given them a consultation and a vote on the management of Hoylake Beach.

Then she would have had her unanimous decision, not one she would have wanted, but a majority one nonetheless .

I am from an ordinary working class family, Hoylake born and bred, as were my parents, my grandparents and great-grandparents.  My mum and dad went to the local school in Hoylake as did I, my daughter, and now my grandchildren. 

My paternal grandparents managed the local Maypole shop on Market Street (above), my maternal grandfather worked Hoylake market gardens, and my Nan was a “Mrs Mop” at Kingsway Motors. 

I began my own working life at the age of 13 washing and bagging tomatoes in a fruit and veg shop in Hoylake.

At 15, I carried trays of dirty cups and plates, waiting on at Billie’s Coffee Shop in Hoylake.

At 17, to see me through college, I worked late nights as a waitress for a restaurant in Hoylake.

I became a clerk typist, then secretary to the Managing Director of an import/export company in Hoylake. 

My first beat as a police officer saw me posted to – yes, you’ve guessed it, Hoylake.

I was proud to serve my own community.

So as you can see, I have a vested interest in Hoylake, its residents and its amenities, because I, like so many others opposed to the neglect and decline of the beach, actually LIVE here. 

Unlike Ms Grey…

For anyone who is any doubt, this is a beach…

And this, below, is not a beach…

Sadly, for local residents and visitors to our lovely seaside village, this is the same location in both photographs.  The first was taken in 2019 when beach management by natural method in accordance with Natural England, was by raking.

The second photograph is what it has become today, a foul smelling home for sludge, slime, mosquitos, rats and broken drains.

In the late 1800s, my great grandparents courted each other by walks and picnics on that very beach, laughingly kicking off their shoes, daring by any standard in those days. 

By 1918, they were entertaining their children (my grandmother) on the soft sands that made up such a precious amenity for local families.  My mum and dad spent endless hours playing there as children in the 1940s when wartime would allow and in the 1960s Nan herself would take myself, my brother and sister most weekends to build sandcastles. 

Nothing beat a gritty jam sandwich and drinking out of a bottle of Whites lemonade with a neck that resembled an emery board. In the 1980s I was taking my own daughter there for picnics and in 2012 I had the fun of following the family tradition by taking my own granddaughters there for “nickpicks” (as they called them), sandcastles and ice lollies.

Six generations.  Six generations from just one family. 

And do you know what the common denominator was during those one hundred and twenty four years?

Sand.

Now, I know the whole premise from Cllr Grey has been natural habitat, sand dunes and protected and rare grasses.  Like a good cake, it is in the preparation and the time it takes to bake that give the best results.  So without further ado, I give you Hoylake’s finest cake (sand dunes) after 2 years in the making…

Again to assist in any confusion, these 👆are not sand dunes.  These are sand dunes 👇

It’s not about being able ‘to afford live on Hoylake Promenade’ – that comment just smacks of jealousy and spite, and how on earth that level of playground behaviour could be acceptable at a council meeting is beyond me.

Just because some people can afford to live here, certainly doesn’t make it fair that they should lose their right to care and speak out about where they live, nor does it give the right for someone like Cllr Grey to ride roughshod over those very people under the guise of caring for the environment.

If she cares so much for the environment, what about the huge negative impact the condition of Hoylake Beach has had, and will continue to have, on our coastal wildlife, their natural habitat and their breeding and feeding ground?   This is already being raised with the RSPB by a very knowledgeable local man, Keith Randles.

Would it really be such a hardship, both to Cllr Grey and her environmental aspirations, for a portion of Hoylake beach to be returned to us?  It is highly unlikely in these unusual and unprecedented times, that overseas travel for pleasure will be an option for the foreseeable.  We have been in complete lockdown during the winter months with the potential for further restrictions on local travel being a very real possibility; so where best to enjoy fresh air, sea, sun and sand for mental and physical well-being than on our own doorstep?

The area from the Lifeboat station to the bottom of Trinity Road would be perfect.  Allow that stretch of beach to be managed by natural raking, as endorsed by Natural England in their existing plan, so that we may have back what we have enjoyed for generations.

This would have the added benefit of helping to halt the spread of the damaging spartina grass that is encroaching on the mudflats in Meols, an area that is vital to birds, by forming a natural break.   It is a compromise whilst discussions continue and reports on both sides are compiled.

This is a what the majority of Hoylake residents, supported by people from other areas who don’t have the benefit of a beach on their doorstep, will continue to fight for.  It is not just about us, the residents, it is about anyone who has enjoyed and wishes to continue to enjoy, our sandy beach.

It should not be a political football for point scoring or a childish case of playground envy.

I suppose Cllr Grey does have a bit of a moot point, though.

Not everyone can afford to live by the beach.

But everyone should be allowed a chance to use and enjoy it.

• FIND Gina Kirkham’s hilarious fictional novels featuring WPC Mavis Upton here.

• SHARE your stories, memories and photos of Hoylake Beach by emailing us lovehoylake@gmail.com

The human element #1: Their first kiss was as youngsters on Hoylake Beach and now they’re grandparents…

Introducing a new, occasional series of personal stories from real Hoylake residents’ experiences of Hoylake Beach, and how much impact it has had on their lives over the many years before Councillor Our Liz Grey rocked up as a Bidston Labour councillor with the borough’s environment brief, and decided, unilaterally, to ruin our amenity beach for everyone else other than her tiny group of eco-cheerleaders. Our Liz doesn’t want to talk to people from Hoylake unless they agree with her. Champion of local democracy, she is most definitely not. And also, “seemingly” not afraid of a hideously embarrassing dollop of spin. So, seeing as we know she reads this website – along with Our Margaret, the invisible MP you won’t hear a word from until the next general election – here is the first article, of many, by real people who do not bloody agree with you at all. Read it, Liz. As a teacher, you should enjoy learning something.

By Eve Hughes Traynor

In 1974, when I was ten, my aunt moved to Hoylake, and on Friday evenings she would collect me after school and bring me over for the weekend.

Invariably, throughout the summer, months would be spent on the beach or at Hoylake Baths. My cousins would walk down Hoyle Road, laden with chairs, buckets, spades, flasks and butties, to spend the day on the sand. I would flit between the baths and the beach for lolly ice money, a butty or a drink. We would be there all day.

My mum would come to collect me on Sunday and she and my aunt would sunbathe all day, their skin turning from golden to mahogany in that last couple of hours between 5 and 7pm. Their “spec” was against the wall of Hoylake baths. They were always the last people down there.

Very soon we made the move from our little rented house in Liverpool 8 to Meols. The riots had started in Liverpool so it didn’t feel like a safe environment. Hoylake, by comparison, was an oasis.

I was an only child but soon made friends with a girl from a really big family. Her father used to bake scones and while they were in the oven, he would take us down to Dovepoint slipway*** where we would dive into the tide off the wall, and swim out to the nearest boat and back, in the dark. It felt so exciting, and we’d squelch back to her house wrapped in towels to enjoy hot scones from the oven. The smell of them cooking as we opened the door was incredible.

As teenagers, we were lucky to have experienced the long hot ladybird summer of ‘76. We would cycle after school to the beach and play rounders, hang out, take a throw away barbecue, and have our tea down there.

I met my husband at 16 – our first snog was on that beach! I married him at 22, and at 23, our first son was born. He was six months old by the time his first summer came along, and Red Rocks was our “go to” destination. With a gaggle of new mums, we took our prams, butties, drinks and towels to sit on. Overlooking Hilbre Island, we felt like our kids were the luckiest in the world being free to run, play, and dig in the sand.

Very soon, my one child became four, and we carried on our family tradition of heading to the beautiful golden sand, our “go to” place as a family when the weather was warm. Evening strolls, barbecues, walks out to Hilbre, looking in rock pools, all part of the experience of Hoylake beach life.

We couldn’t believe our luck in 2000, when our youngest was born, that a house we could afford came up for sale on the prom. We would be able to look out over our beloved beach and had a view to die for. The same traditions started all over again. A bat, a ball, buckets, spades, butties, drinks, chairs, towels, and – if you timed it right – a swim in the tide before bedtime.

I never, ever, take it for granted, and people who know me will tell you I am a serial photographer of sunsets. I just can’t ever get over the beauty of what’s just outside my front door. I cross the street most nights to take a picture.

My eldest headed to university and when he came home to visit, I’d ask if he needed picking up from the station, and his answer was always the same. “No, mum, the best bit about coming home is walking down Dovepoint and seeing the sand. I know I’m home when I see the beach.”

I’m now a grandmother of three (soon to be four!) and that tradition is, sadly, no longer the same. I have tried to give them all the same experience but how can I, when the beach has been allowed to get into the condition it is currently in?

It actually breaks my heart that such beautiful memories will not be afforded to them, especially in a year where we need it more than ever. Children deserve to be allowed to play on a free amenity when we are all not allowed to travel.

I am not against protecting the environment, but we have a bird sanctuary a mile out at Hilbre Island (filled with foam, well done council), and lots of dune-like area between Red Rocks and West Kirby and at Parkgate.

Birds will come and snow buntings will appear because there has been less pollution in our skies, no flights for months on end. Go figure! How much is actually needed before it is acknowledged that people are important too?

The comment Liz Grey made about not everybody can afford to live on the prom smacked of a personal vendetta against Hoylake (prom) residents. Jealousy doesn’t become you, Liz, and should not be brought into politics. My husband has worked hard in a family business (based in Hoylake) to be able to live here, and pay our rates for our amenities. We bought our property based on the location. We loved our memories and childhoods and you have to understand the history and traditions our beach holds for our family. We just want the same for future generations.

Every beach needs maintenance. Nobody I know would have agreed to the spraying of Hoylake beach. It was a pointless exercise, the tide comes in twice a day and washes it away, all those chemicals into the tide.

Are you going to stand up and be accountable for that, Liz Grey, as you clearly gave the ok for this to happen, again without consultation?

All that stupid move did was make people furious as that is not what we wanted and gave you the ammunition to halt everything.

Yet we, the residents, want it managed and maintained. With a rake, no chemicals. And now – not in 2023!

I have lived on the prom for 21 years and have NEVER been consulted by my council as to what my feelings are or are not. Shame on you.  

***Another area about to be butchered by the council.

SHARE your beach memories, thoughts and hopes with us, by emailing lovehoylake@gmail.com. It’s the only way Our Liz will ever understand what people actually think and care about.

When Our Att met Our Liz… not. Revealed: The Sir David Attenborough approval “letter” to Our “Emotional” Liz that Our Liverpool Echo wet themselves over turns out to be, well, *you* decide…

Men and women of the cloth, devoted followers of faith, dedicated believers, reluctant but stoic congregations, those who wear faded-pattern smocks, and people with absolutely nothing else to do, have long debated the provenance of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

The supposedly ancient scripts, discovered in the 1940s – a period commonly known as 1940s-ish years after Jesus Christ passovered on to his own eternal manor – are at home in one of two schools of thought.

The first, most hopeful, theory, one that rides up there with loaves, fishes, walking on water, and calmly strolling out of a sealed tomb in the middle of the desert after a few days’ kip, is that they are the hidden scripts of an alternatively sourced “bible”, which offer a different perspective from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, and the other assorted fellows (because it was typically always fellows in those sexist, misogynistic, patriarchal, outdated, hate-filled times of sand-chafing yore, with not a single one of the vile, self-evidently murderous pigs pronouning themselves “Mx”), who had cobbled together the first two testaments over a few pints of hearty water-into-wine and miraculous fish baguettes – that had suddenly appeared out of absolutely nowhere, as Greggs’ tuna crunch had blessedly not really been a thing back then – all while watching actual gladiators eat actual tigers for their heavenly elevenses.

The second theory, one which also seems to hold some considerable weight, if the internet is to be believed, is that they are about as valuable as the infamous Hitler Diaries and the Turin Shroud; the Rola Cola; the designer jeans from the back of a van in a pub*** (see below) car park.

Indeed, in some dark quarters – in hushed, urgent, almost frantic tones – they are even referred to as the mystical “Wirral Waters” of theology.

Which is all apropos of nothing, really, other than to give our favourite local theologian, Our Liz, head of Our RE and apparently All Things Wirral Earth, something nice to read for once before we glumly reach for the proverbial bucket of odure.

Followers of the Hoylake beach disaster that Our Liz has bestowed upon those of us who actually live here – which she, of course, does not – may have been aware of a story that appeared in the rag that many years ago used to be the Liverpool Echo newspaper before it completely lost its mind.

Almost breathlessly, it fawned over the “news” that Our David Attenborough had sent Our Liz a letter of commendation for the fine work she was doing ruining our beach.

The weird, frequently unread thing that used to be the Echo quoted Our Liz’s gushing response on receiving such a valuable bon mot from one of the world’s most famous individuals thus:

“Sir David Attenborough is a hero of young and old alike. He has been behind some of the greatest wildlife programming ever made and improved millions of people’s understating of the natural world.

“He has influenced world leaders’ approach to climate change and the threat it poses to life on this planet.

“For him to endorse the efforts we have been making not only to protect our local environment but to make it a more diverse eco-system in which wildlife can thrive is fantastic, and for me validates what we have been trying to achieve.

“He’s the most respected voice in the world on these issues, and to have his support for our efforts is both inspiring and humbling.”

Powerful stuff, eh?

Our National Treasure “validates” Our Liz and the Echo gets its super scoop – result!

The experience proved so emotional to Our Emotional Liz that she took to Our Emotional Facebook to very publicly reveal that she was, well, emotional.

Viz:

What was that, you say? Our Attenborough said what?

He said precisely this:

No – don’t be looking to pick that note up to see what treasures are hidden on the other side of the page.

Nor scurry in the waste paper bin for the envelope, worried you may have missed a bit.

Because you haven’t.

That’s it.

That was the entire basis for the thing that used to be the Echo to describe Our Attenborough as “validating” Our Liz’s valiant attempt to ruin Hoylake beach forever.

Or as the rag reported, in possibly a Freudian manner:

Yes, you did read that correctly – “understating”.

Meanwhile, in other, entirely unrelated, news, it has been revealed that Our Attenborough – who, much like some of his giant turtle friends on the Galapagos archipelago, is 94 – writes and signs up to and occasionally beyond 70 handwritten notes a day, many of them to schoolchildren and people who like Blue Peter badges….

***These are no longer available.

The mask finally slips as Our Liz dismissively waves away concerns about the swamp and declares: “We can’t all afford to live on the prom”

There is absolutely nothing new about the political war that has raged on the Wirral peninsula for almost half a century.

In 1974, after the disastrous reorganisation of local government that saw the likes of Hoylake and West Kirby Urban District swallowed up into larger metropolitan “boroughs” – such as the much-criticised, frequently-censured, highly-secretive Wirral Council that somehow still exists today – things began to get really ugly.

Proposals were drawn up to build council estates that would house people deliberately displaced from the slums of parts of the north end of Birkenhead into new accommodation on land betwixt the picturesque – and, yes, comparatively affluent – villages of Bidston and Noctorum.

When the inevitable complaints rolled in – house prices, crime rates, nimbyism etc – the elected representatives of Birkenhead wards were unrepentant; and, seeing as they represented some of the most disadvantaged among us, said so with some justification.

Justification that may have worked until they just turned plain nasty.

Stabbing a finger at local Conservative councillors across the council chamber, one ’70s Labour member infamously snarled: “We’re going to build council houses outside every single one of yours” – and then, in turn, pointed directly at elected members who represented the Conservative-run wards this individual clearly wanted to break up, then infiltrate, and then conquer.

It was essentially a threat to wreck the supposedly languid way of life of people in those areas who did not vote “correctly” – ie, they did not vote Labour, despite being ordered to by Red Flag bearers.

It was all two generations ago but little else has changed. There was no reasoned, socially-minded incentive then for these actions – and nor is there now – but simply one of pure, bitter, envy. Not so much levelling up, as very much levelling down.

And they won, too. Both Bidston and Noctorum are now shadows of their former selves.

The Art of War doesn’t come close, really…

But let’s fast forward almost 50 years to last night, March 16, 2021, when an online meeting of Wirral Council’s “Environment, Climate Emergency and Transport Committee” took place.

Kicking off at 6pm – a mere four and a half hours before we slammed the laptop shut (maybe it’s still on now?) – it began with the usual cursory apologies for absences, ticking off past minutes, and then leapt head first into a fascinatingly dull discussion about rhododendron bushes, and then into the merits or otherwise of introducing a Wirral-wide residential speed limit of 20mph. True, they meant around schools, but the broad brush they would apply could and more than likely will affect everyone from New Brighton to New Ferry.

No matter, though. Labour councillor (coincidentally enough, Bidston & St James ward, actually), and their party’s environment spokeswoman, Liz Grey, was chairing the meeting. So there was only ever going to be one way this all parried out.

When the agenda moved on to talk about the weedkiller glyphosate being used to spray weeds on pavements and roads across the borough, Our Liz said local residents’ “feelings” should be taken into account.

Which #LoveHoylake couldn’t agree with more, as we have consistently said we don’t want weedkiller on our beach, either – even though Our Liz and her acolytes insist on saying we do. (The truth is, the only person who’s authorised the use of glyphosate near Hoylake beach lately is, erm, Liz Grey, in her role as Wirral’s environment chair.)

We just want the beach raked. That’s all. No chemicals. And we’re quite sick of being misrepresented about that.

When Hoylake and Meols councillor Tony Cox (Cons) later asked why the feelings of Hoylake residents aren’t taken directly into account about the state of the beach, he was told that the “beach is everyone’s beach” – not just that of Hoylake residents. As though any of us had ever suggested it was.

And then she spoke all over him before he could mention you-know-what* (see below).

When it was pointed out that people who don’t live in Hoylake don’t have to live next to the swamp the beach has become – at the sole behest of Councillor Liz Grey – the Irby dweller airily dismissed those concerns by stating “we can’t all afford to live on the prom”.

Guess what, Our Liz? Hardly anyone in Hoylake, Meols or West Kirby or anywhere else on Wirral can afford to live on the prom, either. But they like to have an amenity somewhere nearby that’s accessible, free, and clean.

And nor do we mind those people fortunate enough to live on those coastal properties, or run businesses there. Like most people, we walk past and murmur “wouldn’t it be lovely to live there?” rather than “let’s start class war, comrades!”

Nor can those unable to afford beachside property afford to live in Irby, for that matter. Probably because they’re not employed as head of religious education at the private, fee-paying Birkenhead School in Oxton, plus raking in the council allowances on top that you of course do.

But hey. Mere detail, right?

Hoylake and Meols Councillor Alison Wright (Cons) offered the suggestion of a compromise of clearing at least two fifths of the beach to provide amenity sands for families who this summer are unlikely to be going anywhere else.

“No,” said Our Liz. That would affect the scientific studies she is so determined to have carried out to back up her increasingly weak position, that she has in any case failed to carry out, officially, in the last two years while the swamp got much, much swampier.

The avuncular Councillor Allan Brame (Lib Dem) supported the entirely democratic and reasonable idea of taking Hoylake residents’ views into account, but that was also pooh-poohed by the usual suspects.

Talking of which…

Next to pop up with his clunking pearls of wisdom was the former council leader, former Labour group leader, and apparently still Backseat Driver, Steve Foulkes, who – while looking as though he needed to invest in a fish-eye lens for his laptop webcam – came forward to agree that Hoylake residents should not be allowed any direct input on, well, Hoylake.

He explained this by commenting that he himself had visited Hoylake beach from his Birkenhead home for lockdown exercise and noted it was, in his eyes, quite busy.

(Having seen some of him through the laptop monitor, he looks very much like he should do more exercise on the beach. Perhaps he could wear a plough? We won’t tell.)

Foulksey also referred to “groups” – we assume us – calling the state of the mess his party has created of “doing your area down” by calling it a swamp. Yet that is precisely what people locally are calling it.

And Hoylake people didn’t allow this to happen in any case, Foulksey – your party did.

The debate denouement was Our Liz asking to make a statement. The Zoom buttons hushed as their users quivered in anticipation…

…only to discover it was merely a letter that she’d received from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds confirming that, shockingly, yes, the RSPB still like birds. (Who knew?)

Birds, that is, being creatures with wings that can and do fly anywhere they like. And certainly aren’t landing on the swamp.

*It was a bit of a let down, really. We were waiting for the big reveal of the David Attenborough letter Our Liz has been touting across parts of the pliant press claiming he’s backing everything she does. We know if we had that letter, we’d make sure everyone could see it in its entirety. You know, as proof. Why hide it otherwise?

Now is the time for a seaside council hoedown @ Mar-a-Lako

It’s not exactly breaking news that the swampies and Our Liz would of course prefer it if the vast majority of Hoylake and Meols residents would kindly just shut up and go away.

Some of them spend lots of time on places like Next Door saying just that, thinking we don’t know. We do – we just don’t care, pretty much the same way they don’t care about our beach. (They say a lot more, too. But we’re leaving that with the lawyer.)

After all, it appears to them, pesky bloody democracy does us no good at all. We vote for the wrong reasons. We vote in the wrong people. And of course we have no idea what we’re voting wrongly for. Only they know that stuff. Best to just take orders and put up with it. You know the script by now.

Thank heavens these people weren’t around in 1939.

But unfortunately for them, no matter how much they like to think so, and haughtily insist to us otherwise, they are not in charge. We – us, the actual people – are.

That’s why we get to go through the process of electing people to have these rows on our behalf – or so we thought, until we discovered that a single individual gets to call the shots on an area she doesn’t represent and seemingly has little care for, aided and abetted by a handful of eco-zealots who seem to prefer plankton to people.

Except there isn’t just one person making political decisions in the town hall.

There are sixty six – sixty bloody six! count ’em! – councillors who get to take a seat in Egremont – or via Zoom at the moment – supposedly to represent us mere mortals.

According to Wirral Council’s own website, this is what they get in return for sitting through what must sometimes be the most boring meetings and tedious tasks on earth:

• 

And fair play to all of them from all parties for doing what most of us would run a mile from.

Although maybe not even run. Probably just dawdle while thanking our lucky stars we’re not there. Having been to quite a few of their dull-as-ditch-water meetings over the years, rest assured that the last place any entirely sane person would voluntarily attend is a Wirral Council meeting.

Let’s put it this way – there’s no one anywhere near as interesting as Jackie Weaver sitting in the Wallasey chamber….

Nevertheless, bland or not quite as bland, they are there in their elected positions. And they do have the power to change things. Only, what with all the pleasures of Covid-19, the only way to witness any of this is via a screen, which as many know has its limitations in terms of interaction.

So, seeing as we’ve not had any reply at all from Our Democratic Liz to our suggestion she stand for election in Hoylake, and not her current super-safe Bidston and St James gig, we’ve come up with another idea to tackle the dispute over the beach.

Let’s have all sixty six councillors (there are, for reasons that have never been properly explained for decades, an unnecessary three for each of the borough’s “wards”) gather, appropriately masked and socially distanced, for a meeting about Hoylake Beach on Hoylake Beach?

Then we, the public, can watch and listen socially-distanced from the safety of the promenade, sixty six people tell us whether they think the surface they’re standing or seated upon is either a) an utter disgrace that is ruining an amenity and damaging local business, or b) a huge mistake that the council is so embarrassed to admit to, it will carry on regardless like a demented woodpecker furiously pecking away at an iron-clad safe.

We’ll even provide seats.

And those not in attendance will, as is traditional, be replaced by a block of lard.

Or should that be Marg-a-Lako?

You can find your own councillors here to ask them themselves if they’re up for this.

But we bet they won’t be. Because there is nothing like facing the public they seek to govern that terrifies a politician more.

Dear Our Liz – an upset grandmother writes about your disastrous decision to leave Hoylake beach to wrack and ruin:

This letter, below, from Eve Hughes, Meols, which was also posted to Facebook, is now on various desks at Wirral Council.

It will no doubt be ignored by Our Liz, as anyone not devotedly toeing the Our Liz line knows only too well.

On beach matters, she only has dialogue with her adoring acolytes, so perfectly sensible Eve, who we would hazard a guess is not one of those acolytes, will be lucky to get any sort of response other than “computer says no”.

But we felt it needed a wider airing as we know the one thing Our Liz definitely does do, as much as it pains her, is to read this website. Possibly with a council lawyer that we pay for peering over her shoulder. Good.

“Yesterday I took my two 18 month old grandsons to play at the Kings Gap end of Hoylake beach.  Only it wasn’t a beach it was a quagmire.  Little short of disgusting for our children and grandchildren to play on during half term in a global pandemic.  I’m not sure what you would actually catch from playing in that absolutely disgusting mess.  There was red rusty looking water sitting in pools down there.  What exactly is this and is it safe?  This is an absolute travesty and if I’d have had a tractor or something to turn over that whole mess yesterday I’d have got on it and cleared the place myself.  I’m sorry but this is not right.  The government are talking about a summer of play for children this year well the children of Hoylake are not going to be able to use the free facility right on their doorstep unless they want to hike their 18 month olds a mile out to the waters edge, tide permitting.  Before all the environmentalists jump on here I don’t want to hear it.  There are no dunes forming it’s as flat as a pancake and if you want this go down to Parkgate.  We don’t need another mosquito/rat infested area or is this the wonderful wildlife you’re trying to attract.  Also the snow buntings would have been spotted this year regardless so stop trying to make out it’s because of that unholy mess, we’ve had hardly any aircraft polluting the skies so it’s more than likely that.  If you want to keep part of it as an area of natural habitat fine but not the whole bloody beach.  Let’s try and get this cleared for summer so we can give the children the summers we had down there.  Digging in the sand setting up camp for the day with your family with your butties and flasks of tea.  Rant over.”

Over to you, councillor. We won’t hold our breath (unless we’re near the swamp, when we have to).

Come on, Our Liz – stand for election in Hoylake on your dirty beach platform, and then we’ll know how politically brave you really are

Politicians are a notoriously touchy bunch, pretty much the whole lot of them. They’d all deny it, of course, but they’re essentially narcissists basking in the glow of perceived glory.

Local politicians are no better than those in Westminster. They all want to be loved. But fair play to them, too, as they’re also masochists – inviting election night hell upon themselves every few years or so.

A few years back, a previous Wirral West MP* wept uncontrollably on election night in a sports hall in Woodchurch, convinced their time as local finger wagger in chief was over. It wasn’t.

Also, many more years ago, a veteran councillor tumbled down the grand staircase at Wallasey Town Hall into an ambulance after having spent a wee bit too much time at what was then the members’ bar, such was the pressure of awaiting the voters’ verdict.

On election night, they scurry like rats between their own comrades, their enemies, their drinking partners, their actual partners, and sometimes – when they know the fan is about to become splattered by a very different shade – ignore their constituents and cross over to the over side, if it means there’s a chance their political sinecure is further extended for a bit.

But what elections – certainly local elections – really do, is to provide a litmus test of the opinion of the people you hope to represent.

Now, our beach is a hot topic. No doubt about that. And the vast majority of people in Hoylake and Meols want it clean (Petition link! Sign and share it! We’re over 4,000!)

There are local council elections in May but they will make no difference to the work – or complete lack of – on Hoylake beach, because the protagonist behind abandoning our sands isn’t up for a vote until next year – in that well-known Wirral West constituency of the north end of Birkenhead.

Which is why we’re urging Our Liz Grey, Our Labour councillor for Bidston and St James ward, to resign her safe seat in Birkenhead, where anyone or anything with a red rose on will get voted in – meaning she could be replaced by a tin of peach halves and Labour’s vital council chamber voting numbers would remain the same – and come to try her hand at standing as a councillor in Hoylake instead.

After all, why not? She’s clearly very interested in the place, having unilaterally decided that only she, who doesn’t live here, knows best about the future of Hoylake Beach.

So come on, Our Liz. Bring your “Ruin Hoylake Beach” placards and posters, and your handful of weeds-loving acolytes, down to Hoylake and ask us for our vote. You can:

• Explain in person why a swamp is much more beneficial to the village than the mess you have encouraged to create.

• Tell us how it increases footfall and helps local businesses.

• Explain why Hoylake Municipal Golf Course is the only one not on the Labour council’s hit list because without it you won’t get the Open – although maybe wait until the Royal & Ancient see the state of the beach first…

• Have a Q&A, online if necessary – but a real one this time, where you actually have to answer questions, rather than read out your prepared party lines.

And please do invite your nine or ten or so local cheerleaders, whom we promise to provide a “safe space” for as long as they agree not to speak while wearing their zany not-grown-up-yet T-shirts.

Wouldn’t that show your political mettle? Wouldn’t refusing our offer show us exactly who you are as a politician?

We’ll even help in advance. Here’s our campaign photo:

And here’s yours:

If you’re so right on the money about the beach, Our Liz, you have absolutely nothing to lose.

• If anyone local has any news of great things our current Wirral West MP has done for Hoylake or individual Hoylake residents and/or businesses lately, please feel free to update us at lovehoylake@gmail.com. Likewise, if the MP hasn’t responded to anything you’ve asked them about, tell us about that, too.

Welcome to #❤️Hoylake

HOYLAKE Beach is under siege – and not just from the invasive species of grasses being allowed to grow unchecked, which will swiftly reduce our beautiful amenity to a messy, smelly, vermin-ridden swamp.

There is a very small but vocal minority in our village who think this is a fabulous idea. But their arguments in favour of a swamp are spurious at best.

These arguments have been presented in glossy brochures stuffed full of disputed facts and figures, and as an example of their “vision” littered with photographs of that well-known Wirral coastal attraction of… erm, Birkdale beach, in Southport.

No, we can’t begin to understand the logic of that, either.

Buried back on page 21 of their main selling pitch brochure, the protagonists also admit there is nothing scientific about their arguments in favour of a swamp. It is merely their chosen view. It is literally just their opinion.

But the arguments in favour of keeping our beach grass-free and sandy are less than spurious. We just want our beach to remain a beach, and not be encouraged to become a swamp.

We support a degree of beach management – essentially, regular raking of the beach, which has been done for decades resulting in the glorious sandy panorama many of us have been privileged to enjoy from childhood.

We do not advocate the continued use of pesticides harmful to flora and fauna, despite those chemicals having being used for many years with absolutely no detriment to the beach environment.

We want our vast beach preserved, from Red Rocks at least down to Dove Point, not just a relatively small patch of sand as decreed by overlords in an obscure pressure group that has been bestowed an absurd amount of influence – and indeed funding – by the powers that be at Wirral Borough Council.

We think this is terribly unfair. We also think it is incredibly undemocratic. But most of all we think it’s self-defeating and daft.

Unless you are wealthy, time-rich and can afford to play at the Royal Liverpool, the jewel in Hoylake’s crown is its beach.

A beach where it is free to take your children, to walk your dog, to ride your horse, sand-yacht and kite-surf. Where you can walk out seemingly to the horizon to drink in the incredible vista that changes hour by hour. Where you can stroll along the promenade and gaze out at Hilbre, and to North Wales beyond.

Yet these are the very things already becoming spoiled by the emergence of ugly, unnatural grasses.

In 2019, the beach was left to rot by the council on the say-so of a single, stubborn, councillor who refuses to listen to anyone other than those who agree with her. This year, the emergence of coronavirus means this will continue for the forseeable future while council staff are understandably diverted elsewhere.

It means we are now staring out at an increasingly unrecognisable mess which will only get worse.

This is bad for the environment. Bad for residents. Bad for business. There is no upside, however much the swampies will try to tell you otherwise.

But it is not irreversible. By joining together under one banner, we can stop people most have never heard of ruining our village and its environment forever. All we have to do is collectively, and loudly, say “no”.

It’s time to stand up for our beautiful beach. It’s time to #❤️Hoylake.

Let Me In, Whisper The Watermelons

Our Julian and Our Jane are apparently on a mission to pretend the local elections that took place nearly three months ago never happened.

That was when both, standing as Green Party candidates for Wirral Council, were utterly humiliated at the ballot box.

But like all aspiring politicians, they’ve resolutely refused to stare punishing defeat in the face and are back on the trail.

As our hysterically called “climate boiling” (even though, while clearly climate change is a thing, literally nothing is “boiling”; but it sounds kinda catchy, and the UN nobodies in their fine suits and fancy HQs and endless private jet-setting to talk with other finely suited and private-planed contemporaries, all paid for by us, try to justify their own existence less anyone realises the whole self-serving shambolic mess is not fit for purpose) continues to see us considering the need to put the heating on in, er, July, and the usual suspects flit around talking about mostly arson-fired blazes in continental Europe as the Beginning of the End of the World that they’ve been predicting every ten years or so since long before I was born 50-odd years ago, and yet still spectacularly and stubbornly refuses to play ball, they have produced a new leaflet.

And as much as we detest the idea of giving them any publicity at all, it’s worth pointing out what’s in their promo material, and what isn’t.

First: “Green Community Campaigners”.

Well, yes. Because these two are largely responsible for that hideous green swamp that was once called Hoylake Beach. Them, and that other eco warrior, Our Josh.

I won’t bother with their quotes because they’re too asinine, but look at the strapline at the bottom mentioning “Working All Year Round…”.

Just not on that promised two-screen cinema, fine dining restaurant, arts village, and vortex to Utopia (okay, maybe not that last one) that has already cost taxpayers £3m and we still don’t know why designing a menu costs 8k, eh, Our Jools?

And then this on the back:

Alas, no space for the question: Would you like us to just sod off so we can have our beach back?

So, welcome to The Watermelons. Green on the outside, red, with dark pips, within.

If you should be unfortunate enough to hear an unexpected knock at the front door, or the trembling ring on a nervously-pressed doorbell, don’t say you weren’t warned…

And just to repeat: Where IS that cinema, Our Jools?

Why the sandy beach versus the creatures of the swamp local election results really do matter

Much has been made over the last couple of years about the Chris Packham effect.

It’s where the telly star’s fans leap onto things he says on Twitter and agree with anything he chirps.

Amiable, presentable and intelligent, Mr Packham comes across as the environmental equivalent to what Harry Styles is to teenage girls.

His BBC-funded profile means he’s guaranteed to put bums on seats and get people like Deborah Meadon, off of Dragons’ Den, that we also have to pay for under threat of jail, who has seemingly never met a weed she doesn’t like, in a froth.

It was because of Mr Packham’s intervention into the Hoylake Beach debate – a beach he has, as far as we’re aware, never put his mossy, ever so sensible boots upon – that got the swampies ever so excited.

Finally, they figured, a bloke off the tellybox with a Starmer-esque bouffant and southern accent, resplendent in a yellow puffer jacket, could lead them towards the eternal Gaia glory that they seek – and hopefully take the rest of us along with him, too.

The only problem is that Chris Packham, for all his qualities and aims, is not a politician.

He leaves that stuff to others.

And one of those others, smack bang in Hoylake and Meols ward earlier this month, was none other than Julian Priest, who stood for the Green Party.

His aim, we can only assume, was to show how much support there is locally for him and his odd little tiny band of swampies who apparently detest sand and family fun and everyone else in Hoylake and Meols but absolutely love weeds.

Now, clearly, we’re not chums.

But even we can praise him for having the cojones to stand for public office and along the way, giving the public a chance to support him, or not. It takes balls to do that, so fair play.

Sadly, however, it did not work out so well.

“The league,” my friend always tells me, albeit only ever during that brief period every year when his Everton team spends a nanosecond above my Liverpool, “doesn’t lie”.

And what the league of local election results tells us here is that out of all possible voters in Hoylake and Meols, where voters are most acutely affected by the state of the beach, Our Jools, crusader of a still non-existent cinema, enthusiastic supporter of a swamp, and of course aficionado of bagels, was supported by a mere 3 per cent of them.

Nor did his Green Party comrades draw realistic support in the ward, either. As you can see above, 5, 4, 3 per cent, in that order. With Our Jools last.

They did manage to beat the Liberal Democrats, though. And something called the Freedom Alliance.

But has it stopped their insatiable desire to pretend everyone agrees with them?

Not a jot.

They’re back posting unprovable nonsense about people digging their weeds up from the beach.

Sure, someone might have dug it up. If they were absolutely crank-a-thon bonkers.

Because why pluck just one when there’s a massive former beach packed, thanks to these extremists, to the gunwales with them?

Or then there’s the actual “sea”, which still comes in twice a day, though not high tides all the time, which could also be responsible.

Will our wannabe botanists spend any time at all shouting at the waves?

But still, on it goes.

Jane Turner, one of the leading swamp campaigners, also stood for the Green Party (who overall did relatively well in the local elections) in the Moreton and Saughall Massie ward.

She also managed only to attain a 3 per cent share of the vote.

But what’s actual numbers and facts between friends?

The lovely Jane appears to think her ideology is countering “the wrong side of the biggest issue in human history”.

We suggest, given her woeful lack of voter support, she now attempts at least to grow up, and maybe spends some time listening to people who really have witnessed “the biggest issue in human history” – the Holocaust.

You never know: The great sage herself might learn something.

Green with frenzy – on a wing and a prayer, Our Jools enters the fray

In what no one anywhere would ever consider exciting news, the local council elections loom.

In Wirral, that means all 66 of the council seats are up for grabs.

There is no point whatsoever in any parties or their supporters or indeed voters at large getting excited about it, though, because we all know, through dreary experience, what is going to happen.

Thanks to the block-voting in Birkenhead, and most of Wallasey, the two largest conurbations we have, Labour – well, Wirral Labour, because there is a difference – will win.

And, tediously, on we will march ever towards the self-consuming oblivion of life in Wirral as we know it.

Not because of the tidal waves and wild fires that the ridiculous “wall” in West Kirby is supposed to save us all from (which it won’t, because it’ll never be needed in any case, and besides, what’s £16m-and-counting of our money between friends?), but because of the moronic quacking robots – think “for mash get Smash” – in the town hall.

They’ll tell you anything you want to hear, obviously, come hell or high water, but this is what you’ll actually get anyway, yet again:

• More pointless £££s office blocks to be built in Birkenhead town centre for the council to move into from, er, another office block somewhere else in Birkenhead, which is always a great investment of public money when many office workers – and most especially civil servants meant to work in town halls or government ministries – now opt to work from home, and high streets grow more deserted than ever.

• Look forward to shiny artist “impressions” of pipe dreams from ambitious young town planners who will very soon realise that their earnest toil has been entirely pointless, because all they’ll end up creating in reality is empty office blocks occupied by pigeons and enthusiastically unused cycle lanes.

• Watch people swap an equally shiny chain each year so they can eat toffee apples, open shops, snip ribbons, glad-hand anyone who asks, and build up a photo portfolio they’ll quickly store in the loft when they can eventually fit back up the stairs, to then be instantly forgotten.

Same old, same old. And that’s it – normally.

But there are of late some new kids on the block in the form of the Green Party, who have started to make inroads into the local political system – albeit as lowly partners, but very much enablers, to Wirral Labour.

This is not in itself a bad thing. More political plurality should be welcomed by all of those who believe in democracy – even way out there on Wirral’s far left, who don’t believe in democracy at all, because in their myopic minds they’re right about everything and that’s that.

So what, you may wonder, has any of this to do with Hoylake Beach?

Well, we note that bagel-loving Julian Priest is standing as a Green Party candidate for the Hoylake and West Kirby ward.

Which means for the next few weeks or so, he or his representatives will be asking for your vote.

Now, bearing in mind there are an estimated 97% of adults in Hoylake and Meols in favour of having a clean beach, rather than the swamp that is down there now because of Priest and his Hoylake Village Life/Vision/Beacon/Blancmange/Mangetout/Doobedoobedoo cronies, we wonder how’ll he tackle that when it no doubt comes up on the doorstep – if, that is, he openly admits who he really is, which is The Man Who Helped Ruin The Beach.

We also wonder how he will cope with questions about the Black Lubyanka monstrosity at the top end of Market Street, an eyesore which still isn’t a cinema and nowhere near close to becoming one despite all the (public) money thrown at it.

Let’s just face it. It’s a block of flats. With six parking spaces.

Our Jools gets quite vexed when any of this is mentioned, because, you know, he’s full of – no, not that – “vision”, just like his Keith Lemon-lookalike pal who appears to have gone relatively quiet ever since settling into his new sinecure down at the old Kingsmead School site.

Vexed, because they simply cannot stand being challenged about anything.

Presenting their “vision” – god help me – for Hoylake beach a few years ago, Priest – clad, as ever, in a terrible, unfitting T-shirt – declared the meeting a “safe space” where no dissent, or indeed impertinent questions, were allowed.

But your doorstep is most definitely not Priest’s “safe space”.

It is, however, most definitely yours.

So I would encourage you to take the opportunity to make your case, while he’s stood there on your property, begging you for support, about the state of the beach which he has championed; or the non-existent “cinema” that he has also championed; to ask him what a woman actually is; and ask if he can deduce that 2+2 equals 4 without breaking out into a sweat because he’s concerned he may have left a different number out.

Also, ask him why he wants to close off the prom to traffic – the only alternative to Market Street, which his cronies would also like to somehow turn into a town square, stifling traffic even more.

These are not difficult questions to ask of people wanting your vote.

So make sure you quiz Our Jools.

It’s your “safe space”, after all.

NB:

• We couldn’t be bothered to get involved in a Facebook thread this week that saw a pro-swamp union guy insist he was speaking in “facts” when saying the beach is, emphatically to him, not a swamp.
• Yet according to National Geographic, a somewhat respected journal of record and discovery, and staffed by people who aren’t in bad T-shirts or questionable biological pedigree, a “swamp is an area of land permanently saturated, or filled, with water”.

Showbiz conundrum

It’s tough being on an employment hiatus, but life can take interesting twists.

Such as: Has Hoylake’s “resting” ageing Alan Carr-lookalike ever been seen in the same room as Sam Smith?

Answers to Deadwood’s house, please. He needs the attention. And probably someone else’s missus.