We’ve all read it.
The original, pretty outrageous and insulting planning application to convert the former library on Market Street into a gym.
Oh, and to remove the existing trees in front of the building (still owned by council taxpayers, btw – a small factor the council always, always forgets when forgetting about handing over our assets while putting council tax up).
Oh, and the “local alcoholics” who seemingly regularly use the bench betwixt the trees to bark at cars and chase after imaginary friends while whooping about rainwater, or something – although not to be confused with any local Green Party candidates, however tempting.
It wasn’t so long ago that the Hoylake community saved this library from savage Labour cuts.
But it wasn’t for long because they came back with the scythe anyway – while ironically refusing any actual physical cuts to the revolting, unsightly and massively unwanted swamp metastasizing on our immediate coastline.
Naturally, they bleated, this was nothing, in no way whatsoever at all, to do with Wirral Labour being in charge for decades of one of the worst-run boroughs in the entire country. It was all about the “Toreeez”.
But back to the library application to convert it into a gym.
Try to bear in mind these applications to the council are written by people assumed by the council to be professionals – a situation one might suggest is also known in the real world as Einstein’s alleged theory on insanity.
The application itself was placed by Peter and Jennifer “Jenny” Hackett on behalf, one presumes, of their budding gym business, Nomad.
And fair play to them for that. New business is always good. So no complaints there.
But here (click) is that official application on their behalf – the boozers or losers application, if you will – written either by Peter Barton or on his behalf.
Mr Barton advertises himself as an independent planning consultant, who is based just off Argyle Street in Birkenhead, which is not a zillion, million, thousand or even a hundred miles away from the council’s planning department.
He wrote, or approved the writing of, initially on trees: “Their removal is not necessary to allow the change of use to take place but the popularity of the bench with local alcoholics is not a good fit with the applicants’ business model (my italics).
“This is a matter that could be pursued outside the planning application process.”
Residents, many of whom are elderly and enjoy a rest on that very bench while walking between Market Street and Birkenhead Road, were naturally outraged.
When the brown stuff naturally and instantly hurtled into the fan, splattering everywhere, we saw the full force and brilliance of the usual local PR experts – aka berks – thinking they could contain this “crisis” through their expert “management”.
What followed was an explanation from “Jenny” and an apology of sorts:
We just wanted to take the time to first apologise for any confusion this planning application has caused and to reassure everyone that the trees were never to be moved from this site.
“The planning application was written by a third party professional and the wording of this application regarding the bench is not at our request.
“This goes against everything we endeavour to deliver and believe in at Nomad and we want to clarify that it wasn’t written by us.
“The concept of Nomad is built on connection and we want to create a facility where everyone can connect with each other as well as their own mind, body and soul.
“We really are trying to create a harmonic place that will help the community with their physical and mental wellbeing.
“The trees outside the site are a beautiful fixture to both the high street and wider area and we have no intention to remove them.
“In regards to the bench, our plan is to restore it and give it some TLC. We hope to eventually add more seating to the area if it’s allowed and possible.
“Once again, we apologise for any offence caused and would hope that moving forward, you can all see the good things we want to deliver to the community.
“Nomad has been created by a local person wanting to bring positivity to the community so that we can build something special together, whilst helping the Hoylake high street flourish.”
While still happy to give Nomad the slightest of benefits, it’s worth looking at some of the other people that Mr Barton’s planning application expertise has been praised by.
Such as Mark Howard – hero of The Wrecked Beach, The Non-Cinema, The Massive Ugly Building.
Yes, him.
Meanwhile, the Hoylake alcoholics continue to snub the library bench mainly because they never drank there in the first place.
They were all too busy dribbling over the Guardian in the front room of Wetherspoons.