Say Hello (To Taxpayer Money), Wave(s) Goodbye (To Pretending You Know What You’re Doing)

Enjoying the weather?

Chances are, probably not, as Storm Kathleen is having a whale of a time bashing up our western coastline today.

It’s been the first test for Wirral’s great impenetrable sea defence at West Kirby that came in not for a snip – this is Wirral Council we’re talking about – but massively over budget at £19 million of taxpayers’ money.

Now, obfuscating about the source of finances for this project or that project is a tedious game all political entities indulge in, presumably thinking the little people don’t understand all this high-brow stuff.

In this case the council will say the £19m didn’t come out of their budget, which is true. But the money definitely came out of our taxpayer pockets, which is also true.

But other people’s money either way, right?

The Great Wall found its way to construction via the usual labyrinthine route only a local council can fashion:

1. Cook up a mad idea to spend other people’s money that you know voters will hate.
2. Hold consultation. Discover voters do indeed hate it. Decide to do it anyway.
3. Find oddities on the fringe of general society to be the local fall guys when it all goes belly up and throw them a stick.
4. Seek out a quango to hide behind when the results typically aren’t what you had hoped for – despite ignoring deafening advice from others.
5. Apply for public cash.
6. Receive public cash.
7. Waste public cash.

Any heathens who dared to question the veracity of this scheme were given a block response from the council which looked (and looks – until about 9am tomorrow, when no doubt it’ll disappear) like this:

So there you have it. All safe. All smashing.

Right up until this morning when the wall got its first actual stress test….

Which is when we got this instead (if you don’t use Facebook, ask someone who can in order to see the video).

Which itself resulted in this complete and utter idiocy:

Then:

1. Scoff at those pointing out the wall is a £19 million chocolate teapot.
2. Furiously stamp up and down insisting the wall has done its job while literally everyone else takes on the little boy role to point out the emperor is wearing no clothes.
3. Thunderously declare that black is white:

Yes, that’s Green Party councillor Pat Cleary claiming, with what seems to be a straight face, that the wall isn’t really there to stop water, just to make the waves a bit less, erm, tidally. King Canute need not worry just yet.

Although Cllr Pat seemed not to notice that the ferocity of the water – you know, the force of it, Cllr Pat – meant staff working at Tanskey’s on WK promenade had to be rescued by lifeboat crew (brilliant as ever).

Meanwhile, Storm Kathleen will cause havoc for the next couple of days before eventually blowing itself out.

As is now tradition, the next named storm will have as usual a female name beginning with L, the next letter in the alphabet.

Odds on Storm Liz, anyone?

PS. Someone else not enjoying the weather will be the Echo, and the idiots quoted in this at only 11.39am this morning…..

You really couldn’t make it up.

In Memoriam

So. Farewell

Then, Bargain Booze.

You were red and white,

Stocked with shite,

For those with nothing to lose.

You were our own little ice box

From Siberia,

Where even the Arctic feared to tread.

Where every customer who entered,

Contributed to their one day being dead.

No more Pickled Onion

Space Invaders,

For just 10p a pack.

They’ve finally run right out of them,

And there’s still “nothing in the back”.

The random crisps

Will shatter no more

Inside your flimsy plastic “bags”.

And no more meter top ups

For those pesky poor old hags.

Now we mourn your passing,

Like the setting of the sun.

But not as much as

A tab ’til end of the month,

And a cheery “You okay, hun?”

Because now you’re just an Evri,

Parcels inside a room.

An Aladdin’s cave

If you like

For people desperate to lift the gloom.

We’ll miss

That annoying buzzer,

And the icicles dripping from our nose.

But this is Hoylake after all,

And this is how it goes.

At least there’s still

The furniture restorers,

Just across the street.

Even if the pigeons

Don’t exactly keep it neat.

There’s always

The closed chippy one way,

Or the shuttered takeaway next door.

But don’t dare ask about the cinema

As they’ll brand you a repetitive bore.

So now we can’t have a beach

Or even watch a film.

No slap-up, sit-down feasts in

A dining experience bar none,

With no answers to those questions t’whether it’s all really just a con.

But if you wouldn’t all mind shutting up

As you’ll find HVL are on to a winner.

Not for them those buckets and spades

Or family time,

Or even a fancy sit down dinner.

The usual suspects will carry on,

Though only if we let ’em.

“Close it all down and shut it off, keep Hoylake for the righteous:

“The Mad, the T-shirts, the Swampies,

“The oh-so-perfectly pious.”

• With apologies to ER Thribb.

Wirral West MP to stand down at next general election, but will anyone notice?

Margaret Greenwood has signalled her intent to stand down as the Member of Parliament for Wirral West at the next general election, widely expected to be held next year at the latest.

By then she will have been the constituency’s representative for nine years, after first taking her place on Westminster’s green benches after winning the seat from the Conservative incumbent Esther McVey in 2015.

We’re not entirely sure why Ms Greenwood ever really wanted to represent the area, though, as she doesn’t seem to care for it very much.

She supports the swamp, which is now spreading outwards to both West Kirby and Meols, with cunning plans to eventually not-so-stealthily also ruin the beaches of Leasowe, Moreton, Harrison Drive, New Brighton and Egremont, too, all in the name of dodgy ideology.

Even so, a near decade in the corridors of power is something only a rarefied few get to experience, so here’s a list of Ms Greenwood’s greatest achievements as our local MP:

1. Getting voted in.
2. Deciding to quit.
3. Er, that’s it.

Back benchers

The blank-brained, sourpuss killjoys of the swamp are never more enraged than when their hypocrisy and utter intransigence are laid bare for all to see.

Last week it was yet again the turn of Liz “Honoured to meet Extinction Rebellion” Grey and some of her political colleagues confirming how much they really don’t care what happens to Hoylake beach, as long as they win.

It’s not about the beach. They clearly don’t give a toss about that.

Because if they did, we’d be enjoying a clean beach again and we’d also all happily put this entire saga behind us and move on.

But no, forget about the golden sands and glittering sunset vistas, because this is all about power.

That is: Their power over you.

It’s taken right out of their political playbook and it’s not exactly new.

There used to be a time when whoever or whatever you voted for was a personal issue, kept between you and the polling booth. Not anymore.

Now, unless you publicly declare absolute adherence to The Rules of the Righteous, then you are, to all intents and purposes, “wrong”.

Can’t define a woman? Come on in.

Can define a woman? Racist!

Vast, overwhelming majority of local people wanting their beach back? DEMONS.

Weeny little group into weeds? ANGELS.

This is just how they work.

It’s not quite bullies in the playground stuff, because bullies can be reported to the headteacher.

But when the bullies actually are the people in charge, simply because someone in Birkenhead voted for them because their dad did, they make their own rules.

Then, later last week, it was a further pile-on from a minority party that is basically a local Labour party offshoot in different coloured gilets, firing off intimidating missives as if imbued by the magnificently malign malevolence of Ming the Merciless himself.

Let’s be in no doubt – while the local Labour outfit continues its decades-long, scandal after scandal-enfused stranglehold of Wirral Council, which shows no sign of letting up, Hoylake beach, as once was just three years ago, ain’t coming back anytime soon.

As Our Liz admitted publicly last week, it doesn’t even matter what you say.

If you don’t agree with her – and she is, after all, a teacher, so even though you left school tens of years ago, you’re still bizarrely expected to kowtow to her boundless knowledge of everything that is correct – you’re dismissed.

It is depressingly evident.

They asked for written questions in advance of last week’s meeting.

That normally gives them a chance to formulate a reply, probably with a team of advisors and council lawyers checking every word before they semi-politely tell you to bugger off.

Now they don’t even bother with such niceties.

Pre-sent written questions were replied to with “I’ll write to you” back. Then why call a public meeting in the first place?

Oh, no, sorry. It wasn’t a “public meeting”.

It was, as Our XR Liz withered, “a meeting in public”.

Jeepers!

They will argue that black is white, oranges are lemons, dogs are cats, knights are dames, and if you dare to challenge their outright, childish nonsense, then you are every slur they can muster from their well-thumbed, dog-eared copy of Our Righteous Complaints R Us/Them/They.

More worryingly still, they actually seem to believe it.

So thank heavens, then, for a little brevity provided by some excellent wags in Hoylake who have hit the nail on the head. And on a bench, too.

It’s on the prom.

Find it for a selfie before The Usual Suspects spark up their typically tiresome organic fire and environmentally friendly brimstone.

Here’s what you won’t read in the Echo, the Globe, or from BBC Radio Merseyside.

Just this

Five Go Madder in Hoylake

Julius, Dick and Panned, Not-so-Gorge and Timid the dog looked down disconsolately at their trusty Jesus sandals, the necessary faux leather jailers of their sensible socks.

The tallest one, resplendent in an ill-fitting T-shirt designed for three-year-old girls, sighed, “They really don’t like us, do they?”

“Woof,” agreed Timid, enthusiastically, his fluffy tail suitably a-wag.

“But we’ve still won – we’ve still completely buggered up their beach,” said Dick, while wondering if he needed either new sandals or more Hawaiian-style shirts to cover his strangely beri beri-inspired belly.

“Woof,” Timid concurred, as he cocked a leg over the lifeboat ramp.

“Would anyone like me to make a springy heather bed and prepare a splendid picnic feast of poison leaves, effluent, dodgy green stuff, Margeret Greenwood flyers, and weasel droppings?” asked Panned.

“You may think it’s dreadful and potentially life-limiting, but if you try to persuade yourself to believe any old rubbish, it’ll be a lovely place to sleep and dream of actually nice places to sleep and dream.”

“Woof, woof,” said Timid.

“It’s not really heather, though, dear Panned,” interrupted Not-so-Gorge, the perennial doom-monger whom Julius was starting to really wonder whether they were a real sand-yachter or not.

“Unless you think rat-infested, potentially child-dangerous, non-native weeds would make for a more comfortable repose?”

Julius erupted.

“Excuse me!” he squealed. “I think you’ll find that IS heather. It is! It is because I say it is! Why do you have to be so mean?”

“Sorry,” said Not-so, without meaning it. “I always thought telling the truth was the right option.”

“And it is!” retorted Julius, “as long as it’s my truth and no one else’s!”

“How about some water everyone,” said Panned, ever the peacemaker. “Maybe we could compromise?”

“Never!” raged Julius. “I won’t stop until this vile place is completely much more vile!

“There are unbelieveably still some businesses in operation on the main road, for Gaia’s sake!

“And while we’re at it, what about those islands over there?

“Is it just me, or are they completely evil racist transphobe islands?

“Mark my words, Bird Island is clearly a sex discrimination case waiting to happen.”

“Piss off, you offence-seeking moron,” sighed Not-so.

“Woof,” said Timid.

“Beer?” suggested Dick.

“Only if it’s organic dolphin-friendly seahorse wee,” blasted Julius, verging on a hissy fit.

Timid then felt the call of nature, and wandered into overgrown, overly-pungent grasses so rare they are found all over the world, where he emptied his bowels for the benefit of unsuspecting swamp lovers to slide in later.

“Woof,” he said, after a quick sniff of his wares.

“Woof, woof!”

Exclusive*: Court case over 2019 fire on Hilbre Island

Steve Williams/Wirral Weather

An interesting case appeared on the official list of hearings scheduled to take place last Thursday – August 19, 2021 – at the courts complex in Derby Square, Liverpool.

It follows what happened on Hilbre Island in summer 2019, when fire broke out during the period that maintenance works were taking place at a damaged cavern in a cliffside at the popular beauty spot, as it was feared the roof could collapse placing people at risk.

The case – alleging “an unlicensed marine activity” – involves Wirral Council and a contractor, North West Construction U.K. Limited. The court listing was as follows:

Magistrates court listings

If you can’t quite read that, the docket states that “Between 23rd July 2019 and 24 August 2019 in the UK Marine Licensing Area, you did cause North West Construction U.K. Limited (company number 02060487) to carry on a licensable marine activity, namely the undertaking of structural repairs to a cavern on Hilbre Island including the construction of a wall across the front of the cavern and infilling the cavern with blocks of foam material filled inbetween with polyurethane, other than in Contrary to sections 65(1) and 85(1) and (4) of the Marine and Coastal Access Act 2009.“

Section 65 of the Marine and Coastal Access Act and its relevant (1) subsection can be read here.

And section 85 of the Act and the aforementioned (1) and (4) subsections can be found here.

At the time of the incident, (link) the council apologised for the “environmental disaster”.

You can see photos and video of that “environmental disaster” (link) here:

With the court case, it now looks like – after two years – someone, somewhere, is going to be both admonished and fined.

Who though? And how much?

Well, the case was adjourned until October 14 so we won’t know before then.

It is however worth mentioning that Wirral Council is already under a form of special measures for lack of efficiency, and its finances are also already in bad shape.

On top of that, (link) it’s just had to fork out slightly under £500,000 in a no-admittance deal with its own chosen developers of the now scrapped Hoylake Golf Resort, a scheme that the council itself first proposed, then chose a developer, then assured said developer of a multi-million pounds loan to proceed – only for the council to then in the end pull out of the whole arrangement.

The Marine and Coastal Access Act 2009 is governed by the (link) Marine Management Organisation, a non-departmental UK government body.

When the Act it effectively polices was introduced originally, the maximum level of fines it could demand appears to have been £50,000.

Alas for any party found to be guilty of breaking the law, that is not the case anymore. (See Section 43 subsection 1 (link) here.)

Now, any fine dished out would appear to be up to whoever is the adjudicator in the case.

Or as it says itself in the docket above, in capital letters:

“UNLIMITED“.

• Now I’ve done the work for them, let’s see how quickly the Echo nicks it.

The swampies keep trying to tell the rest of us that it’s not a swamp. So what do they call this mess, then? A beach?

Photography by a local resident, captured on Wednesday, May 5, 2021.

For the vast majority of people in Hoylake and Meols, this is heartbreaking and depressing.

Meanwhile, today, polling day (!), the council has miraculously found time and resources to send contractors to clear sand from the pavements around the polling station at the community centre on the prom.

And the quad-bike weedkiller sprayers have been out and about tackling Hoylake and Meols pavements, too.

What a coincidence that it should happen today when people are casting their votes…

Being Frank: A doctor writes again…

By Dr Frank McArdle

Just an update on the email stream I previously described…. that there is no update.

It would appear that the good councillor concerned is either far too busy to reply to the electorate, is finding it difficult to produce answers to the points raised, has no answers to the points raised, or is just ignoring things, hoping they will go away.

Well, if no answers are forthcoming, the only conclusion that can reasonably be drawn, is that all of the points raised in the previous emails are plausible, can not be answered, and exposes an intrinsic naivety, and huge flaws in the validity of the process that has been embarked upon regarding the immediate past, present and long term future of Hoylake beach.

However, prejudgement of Councillor Grey and her response (or lack of it) would be unfair, so I will prompt her again for a speedy reply.

The whole saga regarding Hoylake beach does however raise a number of more general (political but not party political) points that should be thought about by the people of Wirral, if not addressed by the council:

Question: Is the council leaving football pitches, rugby pitches, cricket pitches, bowling greens and golf courses to naturally develop and re-green into flower filled meadows?

Answer: No.

Reason: These are amenity spaces, used by large numbers of the public, and have proven mental and physical health benefits.

Question: Is the council going to plaster Wallasey and Birkenhead town halls and other historic Wirral buildings with solar panels?

Answer: No.

Reason: That would ruin the look and intrinsic beauty of these historic monuments.

Also, what is more perplexing, is that most if not all of the independent organisations involved with the council on this matter accept the relevance and importance of an amenity beach at Hoylake, and suggest that this should be included in any future management agreement, whilst the council, under Councillor Grey’s advice, seems to be totally opposed to any such proposal.

So why is this council hell bent on the destruction of Hoylake amenity beach, with it’s obvious benefits to many people’s physical and mental health, and all of its intrinsic and historic beauty?

Perhaps this might have something to do with the ruling group in the council only re-greening spaces, and pursuing their green vision, if their actions do not offend the voting base in their presumed solid and marginal seats, whilst ploughing on in wards that would never fall to their political persuasion.

It is also entirely plausible that any long-standing council ruling group might lose sight of their primary responsibility to the people they represent, irrespective of political persuasion, and be more concerned with the continuation of their hold on power for its own sake, with all that entails.

It has also been stated that these council decisions are the result of a democratic process.

This has to be brought into question when voting patterns in the council seem to demonstrate the use of a permanent, if not always official, three line whip, with members being told how to vote, without reference to their own conscience.

This kind of partisan self-serving politics should have no place in local government, where elected representatives should act in the interests of the whole electorate, and this sort of archaic political entrenchment has no place in the twenty first century.

Finally, the more that is seen of the council’s behaviour in the whole Hoylake beach issue, the more it appears to be little more than a punitive cost cutting exercise, hidden under a thin veil of green environmental concern.

Mother of God! When council leader Our Jan pressed “send” and then wished she hadn’t (again!)

For the benefit of the DIR, present in this interview room are myself, DI Steve Can’tnot, along with my colleague, DS Our Painkillers, and subjects Our Jesus, Our Mary, and Our Joseph, and what appears to be some kind of ass.

So, let’s get down to it, then, shall we, Braying Beast of Burden?

“No comment.”

Well, I haven’t asked you anything yet…

“No comment.”

But…

“No comment.”

It’s about the beach…

“No comment.”

And, y’know, the swamp and suchlike…

“No comment.”

Well, the thing is, no one likes it…

“No comment.”

And almost everyone agrees it looks dreadful…

“No comment.”

And only about ten people seem to agree with you…

“No comment.”

Some of the same people inextricably linked with considerable sums of public funds that…

“No comment.”

I can see you’re uncomfortable speaking like this, face to face…

“No comment.”

Would it be easier if I just emailed instead…

“No comment.”

For the benefit of the DIR, WD40, EE, and ROFL, we’re moving this interview online…

(Pause)

For the benefit of the internet, we’re showing your reply to an email that you sent at precisely 13.19 on Saturday, May 1, 2021.

Do you agree it says what it says, for the love of Gawd? Viz:

 “No comment.”

What did yer mean by “deal with her”, missy?

“No comment.”

Did you accidentally send this to entirely the wrong person and now fervently wish you hadn’t?

“No comment.”

Did you get a bit of a back and neck sweat when you realised what you’d done and desperately hoped no one would notice?

“No comment.”

Did you fear this would be made public and you might look a bit daft again?

“No comment.”

At least try to explain this sort-of reply you sent, for the benefit of Our Jesus, Our Mary, Our Joseph, and Our Internet….

“The email to [Our] Liz which you were cc’d into was simply pointing out there are no new issues and that our officers can deal with this and any subsequent enquiries from this point.

“You have been given an explanation of events by Cllr Grey and nothing has changed. I am asking her to keep her responses to a minimum as I believe the correspondence is becoming circular and time consuming. This does not show disdain for anyone.

“I acceot (sic) you are disappointed with the decision around Hoylake beach but it has been made and scrutinised with no change. Democracy is not always about things going our way, it is about a process. To remind people of this is not disrespectful and I am sorry that you see it that way.

“I have expressed my views on this now and will not engage in any further email exchanges.

“Kind regards

“[Our] Janette.”

“No comment.”

Have you ever sent anything via the miracle of the internet that you have ever regretted?

“No comment.”

Is there indeed any point at all in anyone trying to engage with you about matters that concern them?

“No comment.”

Any more comments to add?

“No comment.”

Should we vote for you?

“Yes. Up the shirkers.”